Guest Post... Baby Ventriloquism and Other Ways to Talk Your Way into Motherhood

Well, with a topic like this, you KNOW I couldn't resist a guest post from my new blog friend Stephanie!  While I'm busy traveling the U-S-A and using every car-confined moment to talk "baby" with Jeff (just kidding... kind-of), enjoy this hilarious history & advice from Stephanie in Suburbia...

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Greetings, all! I’m Stephanie and I blog over at Stephanie in Suburbia, where I mostly talk about crazy neighbors and trying to navigate Suburbia after years spent in big cities. I asked E if I could take over a post largely in support of her quest to get her hubs to start the baby-making already! Since I play Mom to 7-month-old Wee ‘Burb, she thought me qualified to talk about how to convince your partner they’re ready for parenthood.

I never thought I would be qualified for such a title, because Wee ‘Burb was planned like a trip around the world. We planned our wedding date largely around when we wanted to start trying for a baby, and we had names picked out before the rings. It took ZERO convincing for that man to put a bun in my oven, largely because of the dreaded 4-0.

Hubby had turned 37 when we were married, and all of a sudden decided he was 40. And because he was 40, well he had to have kids soon because otherwise he’d be 60 when they graduate and he’d be showing up in a cane, which would inevitably catch on our child’s gown, and the whole ceremony would be ruined by the old fuddy-duddy who dared not to find the right woman until he was 35.

So, we got married in October, took an awesome honeymoon, and on January 1, I threw the pills away. March brought us a nice little plus sign on the ole stick and the rest, as they say, is history.

Throughout the start of the pregnancy, Hubby was also quite determined that we would have two babies fairly close together... Although I was insanely jealous of people growing up who had siblings closer in age, three months after Wee 'Burb was born, sleep deprivation, feeling totally helpless as your freshly clean, fed and rested child is screaming for no reason, and thinking your body will NEVER look like it did on your wedding day again were NOT the emotions of a woman ready to have another little monkey running around... yet.

Okay, so now you’re wondering where does the convincing come in? Why did E ask this chick to talk about convincing when she had to do none? Well, about 5 months in, things got easier. I figured out my baby. I love my baby. I want more of her. About 20, please. But, all of a sudden, Mister “I’m 40 and going to die without spreading my genetic seed” is like “I’m cool for now.” Say whah?

Here’s how the conversations typically go:

Stephanie holds the baby so she’s peeking around a corner, smiling at her daddy. “Daddy, I need a sibling. Don’t you think I would make a great older sister? You sure are a great daddy!” all while Wee ‘Burb giggles because nothing makes her laugh more than Mommy pretending to be her while she gets to stare at Daddy. And, Mommy knows, nothing can break down resistance like a cute baby. (Seriously, E, you need to find you a cute baby and just constantly wave it in front of the Hubs’ face, the strongest man will crumble…the first time).

I don't know this baby... (Credit)

And, if that still doesn't work... Here are some of my responses (admittedly hormone-driven, but equally valid in most cases) to his (okay, perhaps valid) arguments:

Him: We don’t have the money.

Me: Nobody does. Your parents raised three kids before 30 on like $5 an hour! You all turned out fine…or sort of fine…okay, maybe it’s a bad example. Moving on!

[But seriously, you never have enough money, except you somehow do. I don’t advocate giving birth homeless, but if you’re considering waiting until loans are gone or you’re out of credit card debt, you’re letting the best little money-drainer pass you by.]

Him: I just got a new job.

Me: It won’t be new by the time we try. I’m thinking fall. A little celebration of Wee ‘Burb’s first year! Think of it, her present for her 2nd birthday will be a new brother or sister.

[I do advocate feeling out timelines. Sometimes I can get him to say something like “maybe after she’s 1” or “after she’s potty-trained” and that gives me something to work with. Oooh, I just told him about this post and he said: “Jeez, Stephanie, at least let me get my first paycheck!” Ah, the timelines are dwindling, people!]

Him: Do you remember being pregnant?

Me: Crap. Yes, that did suck.

[What can I say? I found it neither magical nor amazing. Mostly it felt like a hangover for three months, then an alien invasion the other six. But worth every darn day, no question.]

That should tell you how much I want this, because I am willing to do it again! And now I know what to expect. It will be easier, I can prepare.

Him (and, incidentally, a lot of family members): She’s not even a year old. Don’t you want to take time with her, give her attention? Nurture her?

Me quoting Dr Phil [my hubby loves him some Dr. Phil]: The heart has an infinite capacity to love.

[But seriously, my kid is awesome: She’s happy, she will always be taken care of, she will always get my hugs and kisses and bedtime stories. And so will the new baby, that’s life. The same way you can love your family, and your husband, and your friends, and make room for them all in 24-hour days combined with crap like work and bills and traffic.]

I’m breaking him down, I can tell. As he gets more secure in his job and we develop a routine, he’s starting to see the possibility. Wee ‘Burb is very independent, has been since day one, so the less she needs him, the more I can see him eyeing our future. And that’s when I get right in there with the baby ventriloquism.

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Here's hoping I have my own success in baby ventriloquism story soon!  Thanks Stephanie, I LOVE this!  We women and our words!  What advice would you guys add?