We'll still call this 'Midweek Confessions,' but I'm not going to do a link-up today. I just feel like sharing some "deeper" confessions on my mind lately. Hopefully, some of you can relate; or, at the very least, appreciate that I don't try to wear the perfect mom/wife/teacher mask around here very often.
1. The truth is, as much as I really do love my new job and work situation, adjusting to change is still hard. Until about three weeks ago, I had been out of the classroom for over a year, and I am rusty. Thankfully, I really enjoy doing the work I am doing; but, I am bringing a lot more home than I had anticipated/expected. Even though I only teach three classes, they are still three different preps (that's teacher jargon for - "classes to prepare for") which equals a lot of time and energy. And, don't get me started on grading papers --- I still have piles of summer reading (from day one) just glaring at me from my desk.
Right now, I am staying up way too late every night just trying to stay on top of things for the next day; then, when I come home around noon I am exhausted and don't always make the most of my time with Sam. In all honesty, a lot of days I am waiting for nap time so that I can sleep too. Then, the house doesn't get cleaned, the laundry doesn't get washed, and the cycle starts over again with another late night. Blah. Blah. Blah. I don't care how much or how little you work or whether it is inside of the house or out - finding balance between motherhood and a career is HARD.
2. I just finished a bowl of icecream as my "after lunch dessert." (Who even has lunch-dessert?) In other words, I am doing terrible on my diet/weight loss goals. If you are my friend on My Fitness Pal, which several of you are, you are probably receiving sad notices like "Elizabeth has not logged on in over a week." Ugg. Health/taking care of myself/practicing self-control does NOT come easily for me AT ALL. It is a day-by-day, minute-by-minute choice. And, frankly, I'm not making the right ones today (or for the last several days). I'm not calling it a failure - because this journey isn't over. But, I'm not going to sugar-coat it and make it sound like everything's peachy. I'm just putting it out there. I figure if I share the good, I gotta share the bad too. Bottom line - I lost three pounds then gained three back. One month down and almost zero progress.
3. I'm beginning to worry a little bit about Sam's language development. A few weeks ago I thought he was going to start talking more - one weekend saying "mama" and the next "ball" - but, that seems to have just been a fad. He will be 14 months old soon and, as of now, isn't really saying much of anything that makes sense. (For the record, he babbles A LOT, points some, and laughs and smiles all the time.) One part of me feels like he is just "taking his sweet time" and "focusing on walking," etc. I know that the range of what is "normal" is very wide, so I'm genuinely trying not to worry. BUT, there is another voice in my head that keeps saying "You should have read to him more." "It's because you aren't home with him enough." "You need to work harder at teaching him." Etc. Being a mom is hard too.
Moral of the story. Life is just hard. Mine is beautiful and rich and happy and blessed; but, most days it is also hard. That's just the truth. :)
(And, no, I'm not depressed or sad at all... This is just where I am. It's life.)
Don't fret over Sam's speech. When my girls were Sam's age, I remember stressing and worrying. They weren't at the milestones that all the pediatrician's resources said they should be at. C and V barely spoke until their 2nd birthday, but by 25 months, they were speaking in 2-3 word sentences. Now my girls put together 8-10 word sentences (at 27 months). All kids speak in their own time, just like crawling and walking. Until his pediatrician is worried, you shouldn't be. And at his next check up, if he's not where the pediatrician wants him, he/she will intervene (or give you a timeline for potential intervention). Don't let speech add to the stress in your life!
ReplyDeleteI know it's easier said than done but try not to worry about the language yet. He is still so young and boys usually start later with language development. Both my boys started around 17 months and had an explosion of words around 20 months. From my understanding that's pretty normal. Even the word mama took a long time to hear!
ReplyDeleteI know it's easier said than done but try not to worry about the language yet. He is still so young and boys usually start later with language development. Both my boys started around 17 months and had an explosion of words around 20 months. From my understanding that's pretty normal. Even the word mama took a long time to hear!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, don't get to down on yourself it's always hard to get into new routines and I can't imagine doing it with a little one. Take a breather, regroup, and approach the issue with a fresh outlook. You're an amazing Mom and Sam will be fine. He has two great parents, who are very intelligent, on his side and he'll probably be talking in full out paragraphs before you know it. Thinking about you and praying for you today.
ReplyDeleteHey!!! I'm so sorry you're so overloaded! I hope the transition gets a little smoother and easier for you. Two preps is enough to stress any person out...3 will definitely be overwhelming!! I just recently went on an interview for a teaching position, and the principal said "how do you feel about teaching 3 preps?" ... "uhh, sure, I can do it" ... which really meant: oh my lord, I am going to go DIE! hahaha!! Being a teacher is NO JOKE.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't get discouraged about the language development...I do not have any children, but I have lots of friends that do! It's like it happens over night...a lot of jabberish, then like one day they wake up saying complete sentences!! Ha! My friend's baby is 18 months old and doesn't even say "mama" ... but that doesn't mean he doesn't understand you! They are smart!! :)
And who are you kidding---I eat dessert everyday after lunch! Pshhh...isn't that normal??? Ha!! My Fitness Pal is about to send out the troops looking for me! (that's how long it's been since I've logged in!) :)
Here's to a better end of the week!!! It's almost Friday! :)
2) Pshhh! I LOVE after lunch dessert! And indulge in it as often as possible. I'd rather have a few pounds to lose than miss out on my love for food:) (In reality, I'd love to lose weight but there's no way I can care about it right now with work and little ones)
ReplyDelete3) Don't worry about his language yet! Mine was barely saying anything at his 15 month appointment (The ped wanted Mama, Dada, +3 words and he wasn't really there). Now at 22 months the kids is speaking in full sentences and I think he might actually be AHEAD of the curve. It was crazy how fast his verbal skills exploded!
I promise I'll do one of these 'deeper' confessions too - when I find this phantom goal named balance. Im still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that Sam is 14 months!! our babies need to slow the 'f' down (yes that kinda swear was entirely necessary).
ReplyDeleteHere's a confession for ya, the only reason I'm throwing Gabe a birthday party at all is to lay claim on my nerd idea before the bigger bloggettes do it better. One day I'd like a Sara original to be pin-worthy.
Reading this, I could have written all three confessions! My son is 19 months and his speech is not where I want it to be either, and I get upset about it often. I also beat myself up about the fact that I am a teacher and I don't see him enough. It is so hard. I keep reminding myself that kids do things in their own time and as long as I am bringing concerns to his dr. and taking necessary steps, everything will be okay. And the weight loss thing... just another pressure/worry to pile on everything else! I am trying to do the best I can but.... stress = grabbing that unhealthy snack. It always seems easier to control in the summer than during the school year. Life is not easy!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Thank you for being so honest about life being hard. I love my life too but it's far from easy 100% of the time. Keep being honest and I will always keep reading!
ReplyDeleteAvery is older than Sam by almost 2 months I believe and she speaks very little as well. My son was similar. BUT just when I was about to put him in speech therapy, he exploded! I bet he'll be one of those kids that says a word here and there but has a magic finger and grunt that gets him anything he needs like my kids. Don't worry... once they start, they dont stop!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to feeling tired... I'm not going to be your best friend right now. Cutting naps is what gives me the most energy and makes me happiest. I may be exhausted but having time to grade those papers or fold the laundry may actually take weight off your shoulders and make you feel better. So will walking :)
This coming from a mom who hasn't slept a full night in 16 months! WHEW! One day, right! Good luck!
Thank you so much for sharing your confessions with us:) I found your blog about a week ago and have been hooked ever since! I swear you must be my twin. I just went back to school as an Intervention Specialist at a high school after being off on maternity leave since March 23rd. I now have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and YES being a mom is SOOO HARD! I feel like a zombie and am always running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It never seems like my husband helps me enough and I constantly feel guilty about not getting to spend time with my kids. It is only the 2nd week of school and I am already looking forward to the next break. I love my job, but it seems impossible right now to balance being a wife, mom, and teacher. Your discouragement with your weightloss/healthy lifestyle really pulls at my heart strings. I have been working so hard since the beginning of June on losing weight. My goal is to lose 50 pounds. Well I have lost about 13 pounds and have maintained my weight for about 2 months now. Working out seems impossible right now with getting up at 5am and then not getting home until after 5 each night (I have been staying after school just to keep up with my school work). Ahhhh....even talking about all this makes me crazy. Well I can't wait to read more of your posts and just want to know your confessions made me feel so much more normal. Thanks so much:) And no matter what I know you are an AMAZING mom and teacher. I don't personally know you, but I can just tell.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, you are tackling some pretty huge battles right now, so it's only natural to feel doubt about yourself. I feel like I have to work very hard everyday just to get by, and I don't even have a kiddo yet! I've been waking up every morning this week just looking forward to coming home and taking a nap. Teaching is no joke, that's for sure and I feel quite certain it's quite a job to be a good mother. It would be scary if you weren't stressed about all of this! I think your worries show your passion for being a mother, a teacher, and for taking care of yourself. When I feel overwhelmed, my dad always says, "Steph, how do you eat an elephant?" The answer: "One bite at a time. And that's how you'll eat this elephant too." Stay positive!
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ReplyDeleteHey E ... I could have written this!
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher (and one that does so from home), I feel you on the just wanting to do nothing when you aren't teaching. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're still getting into a routine with work/home. You'll find a balance soon enough.
In regards to the language stuff: My son didn't even say his first word until 18 months ... And we read to, talked to him, "taught" him ALL THE TIME! So, Sam is actually farther along than Malcolm was at this time (if that is any consolation). I know it is hard not to worry and/or second guess yourself ... But if Sam is making noise and pointing (and communicating that way), he is on the right track. I think, as teachers, we have a tendency to over-think these sorts of milestones and are generally harder on ourselves. He'll get there, and when he does, you'll barely remember the days when he wasn't talking.
And lunch-dessert?? Sign me up! I would eat dessert after every meal (breakfast included) if we had sweets in the house. That is why we typically don't buy that sort of thing ... It can't be eaten if it is not there! ;)
oh sister this is my heart in a nutshell right now.
ReplyDelete1) I'm home all day with Luke and still can't manage to get the house under control, spend as much dedicated time with Luke as I want to & manage to get enough sleep. It's a daily struggle for every mom, no matter where we work or what we do. Don't feel burdened with your frustrations; feel welcome in the mom club-- for life!
2) I think we go through seasons of health. And I don't think that's a bad thing. My husband was on a crazy health kick when I was pregnant, refusing anything with white flour and sweating his butt off on Insanity DVDs everyday. After Luke was born he traded the exercise for sleep and is lucky to find a piece of white bread in the house these days. Now he's starting the Insanity again. I have been the same. This summer I was ultra diligent about walking/running every morning, even on vacations! The past two weeks I've done everything I can not to get out of the house. I think that just as their are seasons in nature & seasons of life, we go through seasons with our exercise/health choices. Don't find this season as a failure, but rather a little break that will further energize you when you start back up again. at least that's what I'm telling myself, as I sit here and drink hundreds of empty calories in my sugary sweet coffee loaded with pumpkin pie creamer. :)
3) Luke doesn't say anything more than "mama" and I'm cool with that. Some kids just don't do it, and I think girls are more social than boys and jump on the talking train earlier. Yes, there are one-year-old boys who have twenty word vocabularies, repeat almost everything when told to do so and seem like "perfect" little babies. But your little man is perfect as well, and he will become more verbal when the time is right. Don't stress over it. Coming from a mom who has stressed over every little milestone this past year, only to find out that Luke was perfectly fine all along and working on his own timing, trust me- it only weighs you down. He's perfect, PERFECT. :)
Hang in there! Hang in there! Hang in there!
ReplyDelete1. You can't be everything to everybody. The laundry can wait. Sam will be 18 before you know it. And even Jesus took a nap.
2. It's okay. Your husband and Sam love you for who you are. And maybe right now isn't the easiest time to attempt to lose weight. Settle in. (Says the woman who's been settling in for years.)
3. Sam is Sam. Don't compare him to other children. And there will come a time when he starts talking and you can't keep him quiet. :) I know... I have 4 of them. :)
I'm not devaluing how you feel and hope it doesn't come across that way. What I do want you to know is that YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER. YOU ARE A GREAT TEACHER. YOU ARE A GREAT WIFE.
If you have a concern about his speech.....listen to your gut! I have 3 kids...Tyler, our son who is 12 and our daughters, Charley 6 and Ruby, almost 4. I was VERY concerned about Ryby's speech at her 2 year well child. She saw the nurse practitioner instead of her pediatrition at that visit. The nurse practitioner told us not to be concerned, that she was the youngest of 3, they talked for her, blah, blah, blah! By 2 1/2, she still wasn't talking much. I contacted Sooner Start (we are VERY fortunate to have this organization in Oklahoma), we took her for some testing and sure enough....she has over a 50% delay in her expressive speech. She qualified for services, which meant a speech pathologist came to our home once a week, for an hour to do speech therapy. They age out of Sooner Start at 3.....so I lost MONTHS of therapy for her because I didn't listen to my gut!! She still gets an hour of speech therapy a week, just at our community elementary school now. There may be ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with Sam's speech development, I'm just saying.....ALWAYS listen to that inner voice! God gave us Momma instincts for a reason! AND, change us HARD! I have been working outside the home for the past 2 years (after being a SAHM for 10 years) and we are STILL trying to adjust, LOL!
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