This is a post that has been brewing in me for some time now; but, something always stops me from actually writing it out. Part of it is the fact that people I love and respect from my church in real life read this. (As if they haven't noticed that things have been different since Sam.) But, on a deeper level, it is just that admitting that church is hard these days makes me feel guilty, like a little bit of a failure at this whole "raise your child in the way he should go" thing. (I hate when I am
that kind of a Christian - the one who thinks they are defined by what they do or don't do - but
old habits die hard, and sometimes I am.)
Anyways, here it is:
Church after baby has been hard for me. Really hard.
Now that that's out there, let me back up and give a little disclaimer:
Our church family has been nothing but wonderful and supportive to Jeff and I from the moment we found out we were pregnant. (And well before that too.) They hosted showers, they visited us in the hospital, they brought meals, they have been patient and understanding, and they have loved our boy. This is NOT about my church. It is about ME. Please hear that.
So, with that said...
Back when Sam was first born, I kind-of gave myself a "free pass" with church. You may have heard me say this before (haha), but he wasn't exactly an easy infant. He wasn't the kind that would sleep in my arms during the service or sit quietly in his stroller in the back of the church. Getting out of the house was hard enough work; and then church itself was exhausting with all the pacing, bouncing, soothing, and trying to feed him without simultaneously flashing the congregation or having a nervous breakdown. He still felt too young to put in the nursery; so, we let it go, only going to church once in a while.
As he got older, and I felt more comfortable with going out in public, putting him in the nursery, etc,, I expected it to get easier. But, it was still hard. The challenges were just different. More selfish, if I'm being honest. I had gone back to work full time, and Sam went to a babysitter at 8AM five days a week. The mornings when we got to stay in our pajamas, drink coffee, and spend time as a family became SO precious. The last thing I wanted to do was spend another morning rushing around the house getting ready and put Sam in someone else's care. Also - and this helped me justify our absence a little more - Sam had finally fallen into a nice napping schedule, with his first nap at 9:30AM. Church started at ten.
There was something else too. While our church was literally FULL of babies, I knew only one other working mom there. This was really hard for me. I felt left out of the club - you know, the 9AM Bible Studies (which my church doesn't even have) and play dates club. More than that, I felt jealous. And guilty. And maybe a little bitter. I felt like no one could relate to what a sacrifice it was for me to get to church on Sundays; and, sometimes I believed the lies that people thought I was less of a mom because I didn't stay home with my baby. (Again, see disclaimer. Those are LIES. But, nonetheless, it was the way I felt.)
So, I became an expert at justification. I told myself this was a season, and we'd get back in the groove when it was over.
When it was over...
Well, Sam is sixteen months old now. I work part-time. But, one season has simply been replaced by another.
Going to church is still hard. (Although, it is getting easier.) It doesn't come naturally for me, and I don't always (although sometimes I do) wake up on Sunday mornings looking forward to church. These days, now that I am finally feeling more confident and settled as a mom, what makes it hard isn't so much my good "reasons," but more because I've fallen out of the habit.
To be fair, parenthood has been a time of
spiritual growth and maturity for me. I do not feel far away
from God. Quite the contrary. Motherhood has (in the words of a wise friend) taught me more about Jesus than any book or sermon or Bible study ever could. I know grace, and trust, and surrender more than I ever have. BUT, and there's always a 'but'...
I believe community IS important. Raising our children in the church IS a priority for Jeff & me. Our hopes for Sam, from the very beginning, have been that he would grow up in a community of people that love him, pray for him, and help him to build his own relationship with Christ and love others the way He would. If I had to write a "mission statement" as a parent, that would be it... I
WANT Sam to grow up knowing how important
people are to us; seeing that we are NOT selfish with our time. That we make community and relationships a
priority.
So, we move on... I will probably never be the mom at church with her two week old; but, like so many other things in motherhood, I will choose to show myself grace, name the things that are hard, and move forward... one step at a time. :)
Can you relate to this? Do you have any tips for church after baby? Do you know a young mom at your church who hasn't been around much lately? Please reach out to her. Tell her it's ok. Tell her she is still a good mom. THAT is community. THAT is the church.
P.S. I'm going to call this
Lesson #18.
