What Lent is REALLY About

I decided a couple of days ago that I was going to give up being lazy for Lent.  So, in true "Fat Tuesday" form, I went to bed at 8:30PM last night.  (Jeff was out of town and Sam spent the night with his grandparents, so it was - truly - a Lenten miracle.)

I woke up this morning feeling as fresh as a daisy - likely the most well-rested I have been in YEARS.  Until, that is, I glanced at the clock and realized it was already almost 6:30AM. (Apparently I slept through my 4:30AM alarm that I set so I could get up and pull my house back in order, etc. before Jeff comes home and life resumes as normal today.)  I have to be at school at 7.

SO, on the first morning of Lent, I did not wake up and spend time in prayer and the Word while I casually sipped coffee and watched the sun rise.  I didn't start the day focused on the things that "truly matter" like I really want to do during this time.  Instead, I jumped out of bed frazzled and disappointed in myself.  I frantically texted our sitter to apologize for the disaster that is our house (Lord, let me be as wonderful a woman as her one day) and said a silent prayer that I wouldn't hit any stoplights on the way to work today.  Then, as I got in the shower to wake myself up, I let a few tears sneak out of my eyelids.

This wasn't exactly what I had in mind for Lent 2014.

I'm not sure it bodes well for me that I've already messed up on my commitment to not being lazy in only the first 24 6 hours of Lent... But, I have been thinking this morning about what Lent is REALLY about and that maybe - just maybe - there is something important to be learned from my "bad start" today...

By definition, lent is the "solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that begins on Ash Wednesday [today] and covers approximately six weeks [or 40 days] before Easter."  

(Side Note: This definition is from Wikipedia, which pretty much goes against everything I believe as an English teacher, but I like it and I'm too lazy to do any further research.  Ugh.  I just broke my "Lenten resolution" again. Awesome.)

Wikipedia goes on to explain lent as "the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement, and self-denial."  (Sounds fun, right?!?)

The Roman Catholic Church (and many other Protestant denominations - although not the Southern Baptist one in which I grew up) practices these things through a period of fasting from meat and/or giving up something as a form of sacrifice and penitence for 40 days (symbolic of the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert just prior to his crucifixion).

Source

Recently, as a culture, I think we have become pretty enamored with the idea of "giving something up" for Lent.  I've heard it called "spring training for Christians," and I know my own tendency towards treating it as a "re-set" for all my new year's resolutions gone wrong.  This year, about half of my Facebook friends are giving it up for Lent (been there done that), my mom gives up sugar every year, and many in the blogosophere are into getting rid of "40 bags in 40 days" where they purge their house of excess stuff. 

I've done those things too (remember, last year I gave up my blog), and I think they are all REALLY good endeavors.  I think God will honor these sacrifices and, I hope, many will go in to Easter Week feeling freed from "chains" that tie them down during the rest of the year.  I, too, plan to "give something up" for Lent; but, I think there is a big risk that in all the "hype" of the season we miss the point and - really - sell ourselves quite short on the message of the cross...

At least in the spiritual/preparatory sense, Lent isn't about practicing our own self-control and DOING something for God; it is about admitting that we are completely weak before Him and desperate for His sacrifice.

It is, I'm afraid, more about waking up in the morning feeling "doomed" (like I did today), and recognizing that we will fail every.single.time when we try to do it alone; and, instead, being overwhelmed with gratitude for the fact that we don't have to.

I don't think it's bad to "give up" something for Lent... But, I do think it's crucial that we remember our insignificant our "sacrifice" really is.  God doesn't need our Facebook pages, processed foods, or bags of stuff.  He isn't disappointed in me because I overslept this morning; in fact, he will never be disappointed with me because Jesus already paid that debt.

Yes, for the next 40 days, I'm going to focus on being less lazy - on being intentional with my time in the way that I care for my family, invest in other people, and make my spiritual life a priority.  BUT, more than that, I am committing to see myself more the way that God sees me and really LIVING IN the truth of what Jesus' death means.

Are you with me?

Faith, Marriage, & The Bachelor

Did you really think I wasn't going to talk about The Bachelor WEDDING? 

 www.people.com

(Side note: I got pretty into the wedding Sunday night - as in, I may have shed a tear or ten - but I really couldn't get back into Juan Pablo and his goons on Monday.  I just thought the episode was boring and I'm starting to not like even the girls I thought I liked. Ugh.  Anyway, back to regular Bachelor gossip next week probably.)

SO... Did you watch? I am not ashamed to admit that I chose Sean & Catherine's Bachelor wedding over watching the Grammy's (both live televised events) on Sunday night.  This wasn't a hard decision for me, and I didn't even flip channels to see how the Grammy's were going, but from the flood on my Facebook feed and articles like this in the following days, I think I made the right choice.  Who would have EVER guessed in a million years that The Bachelor would actually be the more wholesome and edifying television option?!?

My love for the Bachelor is no secret.  I've been shamelessly scheduling my weeks around its episodes and sheepishly falling in love with someone (or at least someone's story) for almost ten years now.  Yes, that's longer than I've been committed to anything else in the world except maybe Jeff, and that's a little sad... But whatever.   I have seen all four (those odds are NOT good people) of the weddings and, just recently, started keeping up with some of the former contestants on Instagram to really up the ante of my life.  *No, I don't think The Bachelor is a realistic image of love and marriage, BUT I do think it is fun to watch with my girlfriends; and, every once in a blue moon, the happy couple can actually find the real thing behind all the cameras and media craziness.

I mean, how great is the picture?  (From www.usmagazine.com)

Call me naive, but I think Sean and Catherine are one of those couples.

In case you haven't been keeping up with your current events, Sean was pinned as the "Christian virgin" from the very beginning of his Bachelor experience (even when he was a contestant on Emily's season).  I have to admit, I always thought he was sweet, but I questioned whether or not someone who really put his faith in the Lord's will for his life would actually go on a television show to find it, and I kind-of wrote it off as his "angle" that the producers would play up to create drama etc.  BUT,  I was pleasantly surprised to see that his beliefs kept coming up in both seasons and - especially after meeting his family on Emily's hometown visits (and stalking his older sister's blog), I began to trust that Sean's faith really IS the real deal.

I never got particularly invested in his relationship with Catherine either.  I think she is absolutely beautiful and funny, but I don't remember her standing out very much on the show.  (Come to think of it, maybe that's WHY they worked out so well).  However, in the year (or so) since their live engagement, I've tried to keep up with them (admittedly through social media and the tabloids) and have LOVED the way their relationship has played out in real life.

At the final rose ceremony a year ago (from www.usatoday.com)

I love that they decided to live in the same town, but NOT in the same house.  I love that they chose to wait until their wedding night to have sex.  I love that Sean posted a photo of Catherine getting baptized a few weeks ago on his Instagram.  I love that they prayed before he walked down the aisle.

To be clear, I don't think any of those things MAKE a person a Christian - but, I do love that they are living out some of the fruits of their faith in the spotlight, even when it would be so easy and acceptable to not.

Back to the wedding...

I thought all the pre-show stuff about sex was a bit overdone - you know the Producers ate that ish up - BUT, as Erika so perfectly put it on her blog Monday - "they made waiting seem sexy and fun instead of weird and laughable."  I can't argue that that isn't a really good thing.  (I'm still a bit confused about what exactly Grown Sexy is, but I think they got it!)

I also really liked when Sean said - somewhere in all the pre-show interviews - that everyone really latched on to his decision to wait to have sex, but really it is "just one small part" of his faith in God.  YES!!!  Honeymoon Suite camera? NO!!!

From Catherine's Instagram that morning.

The wedding itself was stunning.  I mean, gorgeous.  How could you ever fault a girl for having her wedding on life TV if it got to look like THAT?!?!  Catherine was glowing and giddy, and Sean seemed SO genuine and in love.  Maybe I'm a darn fool, but I really think they GET this whole marriage thing and they are ALL IN.

Of course, the real star of the show was Sean's dad - who performed the ceremony.  (I read on Shay's blog that he actually had the stomach flu and missed the rehearsal dinner the night before.  Can you even believe that? #makesmelovehimevenmore.)  I mean, I bet his inbox is BLOWING UP with requests to do weddings all over the place.  SO. GOOD.  I loved that his words were not overly preachy or "religious," but that he also wasn't at all ashamed to admit that marriage without God is impossible and that ALL of this was for His glory.  It was beautiful.  (And, Sean's sobbing was just the icing on the cake.)

From www.eonline.com

So, here's what I think...

Going on The Bachelor is a HUGE risk.  Yes because you will probably be humiliated on national television, but also because the cameras can really portray you however they want and - let's be honest - fame and popularity can easily go to your head.  No doubt. BUT, Sean has kind-of changed my view of why a Christian (someone truly following Jesus, not just saying they do) would go on a show like that.  Because, y'all, LOOK at his influence.  Millions of people watched their wedding on Sunday night and saw a couple that adores each other but acknowledges that even their love isn't strong enough without God.  Millions of people heard a tiny bit of the Gospel, and saw a beautiful couple that was able to fall madly in love while still being obedient to God.

I was proud to be a Bachelor fan on Sunday night.  A lot prouder than I was to be a Taylor Swift fan at least. ;)

P.S. You should totally read Sean's sister Shay's blog - Mix & Match Mama.  Especially her recaps of the wedding (and some behind-the-scenes details) here and here.  Shaeffer's recap is also pretty great.

P.S.S.Did anyone else notice that Lesley was a bridesmaid?  The producers totally played that down because we literally saw her face once, but still.... And Dez was in the crowd.  #Awkward

P.S.S.S.  (I know, this is getting ridiculous.) How hilarious were Catherine's vows?  Don't get me wrong, I loved them because they seemed so sincere and "her," but... "the light to my bug" ?!?! Bahaha!

P.S.S.S.S. (LastoneIpromise) Do you think there is any chance they would have a live reality show together now?  You know, kind-of life Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson - the original virgin celebrity couple... on second thought... maybe not.  #thatdidntturnoutsowell

Jesus AND Santa

It's been awhile since I've written a post that received as much feedback as my Elf on the Shelf one from Monday...  I have to be honest with you, I wrote that in about fifteen minutes on Sunday night - mainly intending to be lighthearted, funny, and "confessional" - and fully expected that I was the only mom in the country depriving her child of this Christmas tradition.  So, thanks for all the affirming comments and reassurance that I'm not alone.

But, just in case I unintentionally struck a chord with any of you, I did want to clarity a couple of things before we move on...

- I DO NOT hate the Elf on the Shelf. I don't think there is anything wrong with including him/her in your Christmas traditions... I really really don't. If you enjoy it, it makes your kids happy, and everyone is having fun then - by all means - go crazy with it.  Seriously.  It just isn't my thing... right now.

- I really am glad we own an Elf. We got it from a close family friend who, I'm sure, put a lot of thought into the gift.  He will always be a part of our decor and, if Sam ever starts asking me why our Elf is lazy doesn't hide like all of his friends', well, then I'll re-evaluate and see what is best for us at that time.

- What I didn't mention in that post was that I'm not doing a cutesy/creative Advent calendar for Sam either.   I had really good intentions for this one (thanks to this reading schedule & this cute idea to unwrap a book before bed every night) and even took some of the preliminary steps towards making it happen (like gathering Christmas books and printing the plan) but, again, I lost track of time, and my lack of motivation got the best of me... As much as I'd like to be thought of as the super-deep-and-spiritual type, probably 85% of the reason we don't do the Elf on the Shelf OR an Advent thing is because I'm tired, and it just feels like one.more.thing to put on my "To Do" list. #sadbuttrue  #keepingitreal



Anyway, all that brings me to my topic today (which I actually have been thinking about and working on for a while):  How we (try to) balance Jesus AND Santa at Christmas...

At our house, we do both.

Jeff and I both grew up with Santa being a big part of our Christmas traditions.  I have SO many great memories of mailing letters to the North Pole, sitting on Santa's lap at the mall, leaving cookies (and reindeer food) out on Christmas Eve, and - of course - waking up to doll houses, bicycles, and new clothes on Christmas morning.

We did all those things and - you know what? - I still absolutely knew the TRUE meaning of Christmas.  I don't remember exactly when I figured out that Santa wasn't 'real,' but my parents' went on pretending well beyond the age that it was socially acceptable, and my sister and I happily obliged.  I don't have any harsh feelings about being "deceived" or anything like that.  Our holidays were amazing and magical and SO MUCH FUN.

I want all of that for Sam and - I have to be honest with you - I am absolutely LOVING watching him experience it all for the first time this year and be SO excited about lights and snowmen and reindeer and Santa*.  There is really nothing like Christmas with a child.

But, here's the thing:

The Santa books and pajamas and decorations? Those things come out for about five weeks in the winter ONLY.  Jesus is a staple in our home all year long.

When I remember that, striking a balance isn't all that hard...

All the fun and excitement that comes with Santa (and his sleigh full of toys) in December, is just the tiniest symbol of the real gift of Jesus.

Because God sent Jesus to be born a baby and live (and die) with us, we ALL have the gift of eternal life and freedom from our sins.  (Now, admittedly that's a little deep for a two year old - we are really just focused on Jesus being born at Christmas right now - but you get my gist.)

Our Christmas includes Santa, but it is about Jesus.


So... What does that look like tangibly?

- We have a nativity set (the one above is Fisher Price, and Sam loves it) and singing Santa dolls.
- We read Twas the Night Before Christmas and the Bible.
- We sing "Oh Holy Night" and "Jingle Bells"
- We get gifts and we give gifts.

Do I think it should be a perfect balance of 50/50 between the two?  No.

Do we always succeed at making it MORE about Jesus?  No.

But, right now, if you ask Sam who we celebrate at Christmas, he will say "Baby Jesus." 

If you ask him about Santa, he will say "Ho Ho Ho."

I feel good about that.

What about you?  Do you celebrate both?  How do you teach your kids about Christmas?**

*For now, Jeff and I have decided to give Sam three gifts from Santa for Christmas because that's how many presents Jesus got from the wise men, and it keeps things simple.  We will likely wrap up one additional gift from us, and - undoubtedly - he will be completely spoiled by our friends and family (for which we are incredibly grateful)! 

**Just a reminder that I think the BEST way is whatever is best for YOUR family.  There is no judgement here AT ALL... Just an interesting discussion point.

So Much More (an Allume Recap... Kinda)

Not one but TWO mornings last week, I overslept.  As in, twice (in a row, as it was) I had to call my co-teacher at 7:30 (which is when classes start), apologize profusely, and ask him to cover for me until I could get there.  We won't even talk about the bags under my eyes or my hair those days...

Sometimes being a "hot mess" is cute or funny or relate-able (especially on the blog); but, in real life, it usually looks more like irresponsible, chaotic, frazzled, and even downright rude. 

I like to be positive here.  I like to spread the message that God's grace is enough and its OK to be a hot mess; but, lately, I've been hearing a quiet voice inside me say - "You're right.  My grace IS enough.  BUT, I have so much more for you."

I've written before about my desire to find a balance between those two things - grace that covers every single thing I've ever done and will ever do; and, the fact that God has given me free will and talents and responsibilities, and I should be a good steward of those things.  I tend to function in a black and white world by nature, and this area feels very gray.  

What would my life look like if I honestly believed (and lived like I believe) that my behaviors - how good I am at being a mom, a wife, a teacher, a friend, etc. - do not define me, that I am 100% loved and accepted by God just as I am; BUT, also, that he has called me to a life that is BIG.  A life that is FULL.  A life that does not settle for merely surviving - anxious, guilty, and tired?  What is keeping me from living that life?

At Allume, Melanie Shankle taught from 2nd Samuel chapter 7, about King David.  She said, "God DOES give us more than we can handle... This teaches us who He is and forces us to rely on Him.  HE can handle it... God did not choose David because he knew he would be perfect.  He chose him because he knew would mess up and have to rely on God."

Um... Wow. 

I love that this place is about not being perfect.  It is true.  I am NOT.  

We need that place where we can kick off our high heels and sit amidst the toys and dog hair of REAL life and laugh and cry and admit that we don't look like the perfectly polished photo of us on the sidebar.  We need that, and this blog will continue to be that place.

BUT, more than that, we need the message that we are REDEEMED.  That those imperfections DO NOT define us.  They simply point us more to Jesus.

Over the last two years, I've gotten pretty darn good at showing myself grace - at accepting that I'm not the mom I thought I "should be," the house keeper my mother was, or the crafty, DIY decorator Pinterest wants me to be.  BUT, if I'm really being honest with myself, it's still all about me - what I can and can't do, instead of what He has already done. 

I need more Jesus.  

Also at Allume, I attended a session on "branding yourself" by Holly Gerth.  At first, attending this session wasn't even on my radar because something about branding yourself screamed "narcissist" to me.  (Funny coming from someone who's blog title is E, Myself, and I, right?).  But, Holly's description of your personal brand being "a promise to your readers that you will be the same wherever they find you" intrigued me.  Was that true of me?

Holly's breakout session ended up being one of the most influential ones I attended.  I LOVE this message about "branding" and blogging... "Saying that you have a brand does not mean that you are 'corporate' or 'marketing.' It means that you are very clear about WHO you are and WHAT God has called you to do."

I've been thinking about this the last week and a half; and, through good conversations with people who know me and my heart well, along with several quiet hours in the car alone on my trip this weekend, I'm beginning to craft a vision for this blog.  I'm beginning to give up some control (remember my theme for the year?) and give in to what God wants to do here.

I've updated my "About Me" page to reflect more of that.  More of Him. 

Have a look:

I don't intend for this blog to become a "Religion" blog or for every post to be deep and spiritual.  Not at all.  I think the mark of a good friendship is to be just as comfortable talking about nail polish colors, crock pot recipes, and potty-training as you are talking about the real stuff, the hard stuff.  I think being able to laugh together - really laugh - is just as important as being able to sit in complete silence together.  So, don't worry.

But, if I'm really about being real, then you need to know what's behind me.  What's going on in this little heart and mind.  That's it.

P.S. I announced the winner of the October Sponsor Give Away here.  Was it you?!?!

#ONEBIGTRUTH

I'm linking up with Courtney (who happens to be the sister of one of my college Young Life teammates - small world) today to share the #onebigtruth that God has put on my heart about myself recently.

For most of my life, I have struggled with pride and feeling like I am in control.  This served me well at times, but it also left me feeling the weight of a lot of pressure I put on myself -- If I just worked hard enough, tried hard enough, performed well enough, I would be GOOD ENOUGH.  My life was defined by meeting my own expectations and "looking good" to other people.

Although there have been several points where God has pointed me back towards Him, motherhood has been the most humbling and life-changing experience for me.  Over the last two years, God has taught me that no matter how many books I read, plans I make, or expectations I have, only HE is enough.  

While that truth has been a HARD one to learn, it has also been SO freeing and life-giving.  I don't have to be good enough, because He already is.

Now, I am free to rest in who God has made me and where He has placed me right now.   There is so much peace that comes from being able to let go of my own expectations and efforts and find my identity in what He has already done.

(Read more about that ongoing journey here.)

What is the #onebigtruth in your life?  You can participate by linking up at Courtney's blog or Instagramming your photos and including the hashtag.




P.S. I overslept and didn't shower today. :)

I Need the Middle

I wake up long before the day begins and spend a good thirty minutes having my coffee, reading my Bible, and meditating in the quiet of the house.  Then, I throw on yoga pants and hit the pavement for a sunrise run. I return home sweaty and energized and toss in a load of laundry before jumping in the shower.  

I wear a perfectly pressed pencil skirt and starched blouse, and I take time to carefully straighten my hair and complete a full make-up regimen.  Before leaving, I switch over the laundry to the dryer, unload the dishwasher (crossing those items off of my "daily chore chart"), and blend a "clean" smoothie with spinach, quinoa, and acai berries galore.  I kiss Jeff and Sam goodbye and quietly tip toe out the door.  I am at work by 7AM.

After a fulfilling day of enriching young minds, I come home and continue by orchestrating an elaborate sensory activity for Sam followed by a trip to the playground. There, he plays nicely, and I sip iced coffee chai tea and chat with the other moms.  By five o'clock, Sam is having independent play time in his bedroom while I chop fresh vegetables for our wheat/gluten free dinner and wait to greet Jeff at the door with a smile and a drink.

The three of us sit down to eat together promptly at six and discuss our days.  Afterwards, we go for a family walk or visit with friends on the front porch.  At seven, Jeff bathes Sam while I do a "quick clean" of the house and put away the morning's laundry.  By eight, the house is sparkling and still, and I sit down to write a powerful blog post that is sure to go viral and watch a PBS documentary with Jeff.

Um, be honest.... Did you just puke in your mouth a little bit at "my" day?  

Good, me too.  (Let's be honest, if you've been reading this blog for any time at all, you knew it was all imaginary when I said I went for a run with the sun. Ha!)

Even just typing those paragraphs felt ridiculous to me... So full of "catch words" like chore charts and chai and independent play time.  Do people really live like that?  And, would I really WANT to if I could.

On the tapes that play over and over and over again in my mind, the answer to both of those questions is YES.

YES, there are women who "do it all" and are still skinny, ironed, and smiling.  And, YES, Elizabeth, that is who you want to be.  That woman is the gold standard...

This is the reality: 

My alarm goes off at 5AM because there are still dishes that need to be cleaned up from last night's dinner and lunches to be packed before the day begins.  I press snooze until 6 and spend the next thirty minutes running around the house trying to at least make the kitchen look "decent" before the sitter arrives, throwing a frozen meal in my lunch bag, and digging through the dryer to find a clean outfit to wear to work.

I leave the house in a tizzy at 7:15 and send a text to my teaching partner assuring him that I WILL be there by the time class starts at 7:30.  My hair is wet, but my coffee is hot...

... In the afternoon, I get home from work while Sam is still napping and choose to use that time to nap (or mindlessly surf the internet) myself.  "I deserve it" after a day at work; but, by the time Sam wakes up at four, I'm silently cursing myself for NOT doing a load of laundry, starting dinner, or (at the very least) putting away the bag of toys that has been sitting on our dining room table since the weekend.  I will make-up for my laziness now by squeezing in 30 minutes of "play time" and another 30 minutes of mad-dashing around the house in an attempt to cross something off my to-do list before Jeff gets home.  On a good day, I make it to a class at the gym, OR I make dinner; but, either one comes at the sacrifice of more time with Sam.  If I do those things, that means he will spend at least a portion of the afternoon in the gym childcare center or watching a movie while I cook.  Finding excuses and justifying is easy, it becomes my game.

I'm pawning Sam on Jeff at the door and our "family dinner" is usually interrupted by a temper tantrum, spill, or trip to the potty (because he always has to go at the most inconvenient times).  It is 7:30 by the time we are done.  After dinner, there is some time for playing with the neighbors or taking a walk; but, when we come in an hour later, Jeff and I are both on edge because Sam was too rough with his friends, and we're all getting tired and grumpy now.  Bed and bath time is rushed; and, when I flip out Sam's lights at quarter-after-nine; I can barely muster the energy to plan my next day's lesson for school and (more times than not) choose to spend that last precious hour of the day reading other people's blogs and pinning things I'll NEVER actually do on Pinterest.

This is when the perfectionist in me really shines... If I can't have it all; well, then, I may as well not try at all. Why bother?  

And, now, I'm the most depressing blogger in America... 

Here's the deal:

I need the middle. I need the grace to let go of that first person - to accept that I will probably never be well-ironed and sipping a spinach smoothie on my way to work, early.  AND, I need the hope and motivation to want more for that second person - to finally realize that my life runs a lot better when I am intentional with my time, when I take care of my soul and my body, when everything isn't done half way at one hundred miles per hour.

Yes, life is busy, and hard, and imperfect; but, it is also very, very good.  It is FULL in every sense of the word - full of family and friends, laughter, and conversation, but also obligations and appointments, dog hair, and laundry.  

This is my life - the only one I get - and, at least in the forseeable future, I don't see too much changing. (And, to be honest, I really wouldn't change much of it even if I could.)

I'm tired of living on one extreme with an impossible "goal" at the other extreme.  They are too far apart.  Just thinking about the journey makes me want to take a nap.

It is time to live happily, contentedly, in the middle.  Care to join me there?

Trying to Keep Up... And Failing

Remember my word for the year?  (It was surrender in case you don't feel like re-reading.)  A funny thing (ha ha ha): I think somehow (totally unconsciously) I told myself that once I completed my 40 day social media fast (which felt like a pretty big deal) I was done - I had accomplished my goal and achieved surrender.  Isn't that funny?!?  I'm a darn fool. ;)

Let me back up a little bit and admit that my priorities have been all kinds of messed up lately... I'm ashamed to admit how much time I have spent doing things like reading blogs, online shopping, and scrolling Facebook and Twitter in the name of "Blogher prep" the last couple of weeks.  I haven't had a choice really; party invites go up on Twitter and are filled in under a minute.  I'm not even kidding.  Plus, everyone on the #Blogher13 chat seems to be best friends with each other, and I know a whopping TWO people that will be in Chicago, so I've had a lot of catching up to do.  And, since I'm being honest here, my 350 Twitter followers aren't exactly going to impress many of the big brands.

Seriously, I DON'T KNOW HOW THESE PEOPLE DO IT -- they tweet all day long, have 10K followers, and never miss a thing!! 

So, here's the thing... I've been trying to keep up.  I've been trying really hard to build my Twitter following, get invited to private parties, create an impressive media kit, and find the perfect wardrobe all while still managing my family, my house, and two online summer jobs... And, I've failed.

I can't keep up.

I'm really really excited about my time in Chicago (in case you haven't been able to tell), but I've also been convicted that as much I want to be a good blogger, I really want to be a good mom/wife/teacher/friend/etc. more.  In my heart and mind, I KNOW that, but it is just so easy to forget...

One of the things that I both love and hate about God is that he has a way of always bringing me back to earth when this sort of thing happens -- First, it was the mistake I made in my online class that had me calling a parent to apologize and doing extra work to get back on track.  It really wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was a major reminder that I was dangerously close to entering the "I'm doing too much and not doing anything well" place I find myself in a couple of times a year.  

That incident led to a couple of other things which led me to actually call up two girlfriends who were planning to visit me last week and cancel on them.  I knew it was the right thing to do (and they were, of course, wonderful about it it), but I felt SO bad.  I had been looking forward to my time with them, and again, I was slapped in the face with the reminder that I had let things spin out of control a little bit in my life...

So yesterday, finally, I made some changes.  I unplugged my internet and took Sam out for donuts and an early morning park date instead.  I did a project around the house I've been procrastinating for some time now, and I prayed - a lot.

I can't keep up, and that's OK because my value is found in Him and not in the number of people liking my status or reading my blog.

A good reminder and the perfect timing.

P.S. Don't worry, I'm not going to be serious forever... I'll see you tomorrow to discuss THE MEN TELL ALL (totally making time for that)!

I'm Giving Up My Blog for Lent

So, two weeks from yesterday (February 13th) is the start of Lent.

I'll be honest, I don't usually observe Lent in any of the traditional ways like fasting from certain foods or other luxuries.  Growing up in the Baptist church, it just wasn't something we did.  Of course, my sister and I did love "Bread and Broth Day" at our Catholic elementary school; and, in college,  I gave up Diet Coke one year because it seemed like everyone was giving up something; but, other than that... Not so much.  (I'm also pretty sure my high school boyfriend gave me up for Lent one year; apparently he never broke that fast. #forthebest)

Then, this year...

Last Sunday, sitting in church, I felt this strong sense that I needed to give up my blog and other internet/social-networking vices for Lent.  And, well, mostly because of my word for the year, I'm going to do it.  I'm kicking and screaming a little bit inside, but I just know I have to do.  I can't really explain it other than by pointing to my word.  This is the year of surrender.

I will not be reading or writing blogs from February 13th thru March 30th.  I will also be fasting from Facebook and Twitter during this time*.

Truthfully, I'm not really surprised that this is an area God would "ask" me to give up for Him.  While being a part of the blog community is good for me in a lot of ways, it can become an idol sometimes.  It can also foster feelings of jealousy and comparison sometimes.  And, if I'm really being honest, It can be a distraction from my real life - like precious time with Sam who seems to grow up a whole year every four minutes. 

Forty days to focus on my family, my students, my project-list, my reading-list, and - most importantly - my spiritual life.    If you feel so inclined, I'd love to have your prayers for this!

To be clear, this isn't because I'm just "not feeling the blog" or anything like that.  I don't want to take this break; but, I do need it.  It will be good for me.  And, I'm excited to tell you about what I learn and accomplish and experience during that time.  

So... What does this mean?  Well, it will certainly be a little quiet around here; but, I would love to use this time for some of you to "introduce yourselves" to this community in the form of a guest post while I'm gone.

If you are interested in writing a guest post, I will need it completed and in HTML (ready-to-post) format no later than Sunday, Feb. 10th so I have time to get it scheduled before the fast begins.  Email me for more details at e@emyselfandi.com.  

In the meantime, I'll still be going strong until then so stick around - there are plenty more confessions and Bachelor recaps to be shared (and, yes, it breaks.my.heart that I won't be blogging for the final rose ceremony).  

Thank you so much, as always, for supporting me and walking beside me.  I am blessed by you all.

*At least for now, I'm not including Instagram, Pinterest, or email in my fast.  That might change, but right now I don't feel as convicted about them being a time-suck in my life.  I will, however, be limiting my overall internet time - so don't expect to see as much of me even there.

One Word for 2013

So, here's the truth... I don't really like this word.  I wanted something cute like "simplify" or "dwell" that I could write in a fancy font on the chalkboard over my mantle.  Deep down, I've known this was going to be "my word" for weeks now (maybe months even); but, I must admit that I've spent the better part of the last few days racking my brain for something softer, happier, prettier sounding. Something not so religious or deep. A more blog-worthy word.  I even researched synonyms for surrender, but "cede," "abandon," and "capitulate" didn't exactly do it for me either. ;)

It was New Year's Eve before it hit me that if I couldn't even surrender control over something as simple as a word, it probably is an area where God wants to stretch me.   (Ugg.) 

I realize this is totally lame sounding; but, in the end, my word chose me this year; and there is simply no avoiding it. 

Surrender.

It is a word, a message, I have heard over and over and over again in my life.  But, recently, it has been spoken even LOUDER and CLEARER through the voices of dear friends, the teaching and writing of respected pastors, authors, etc., and, well, the reality that I can.not.get.it.out.of.my.head.  That's got to mean something, right? 

To be honest, I'm not  entirely sure what this even means to me and my life right now.  I have no stinking idea where to begin to surrender or what the process will look like (and, frankly, it scares me a little lotta bit).  But, I'm up for the challenge...

Here is my prayer for January 1st and all 365 days after it:

Ok God, I know that things are MUCH better when I stop trying so hard and let you be in control.  I know that I will only find true freedom and peace through surrender to you. Please help me to trust you and rest in the truth that you make even imperfections perfect.  I'm all in.

Here's to a year of surrender! 

Source

 What is your word for 2013?  I'd love to hear it in the comments.

(I'm linking with www.oneword365.com.)

God IS in Schools

I have been struggling with this blog in the wake of  Friday's tragedy.  I'm going to be honest and admit that I've felt stressed because I had planned to post an update on my weekend with my sister, my Christmas card photo, my Christmas house tour, and a sponsored review this week.  The fact that I would even worry about that those things might fall off schedule is just further reminder of how selfish I can be and how small my little world is.  I am ashamed that it takes something like what happened in Newtown last week to show me that it isn't all about me and my plans.  Plans change.  

I will re-adjust my schedule.  I'll back-date my Christmas card post and publish my house tour a few days late.  I can do that.  But, there are 26 families that don't have the option to just "re-adjust" today.  For those 26 families, nothing will ever be the same again.  Their plans have been changed forever.

Today, I will remember.  I will remember, and I will pray, and - in some small way -  I will look for the good in the world.

Here's what's been on my mind the last few days, where my heart is right now:

After something as horrible and devastating as what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary last week, we want to point fingers.  It is our human nature to ask the why question and find someone or something to blame.  Gun laws?  Mental health?  God's wrath?

Don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty as the next person.  I want answers too; I want to know how something like this could happen.  But, so far?  I've got nothing.  Nothing is good enough.  Nothing makes those 26 lives less precious?  Nothing makes even just one of those little lives lost OK.

With that said, here's what I know the answer is NOT.

This did not happen because we took prayer out of schools or because teachers don't read the Bible with their classes.  This did not happen because we've "systematically removed God from our schools."

Because, I am in the schools every day; and, if I know nothing else, I know this... God IS in schools.

He is in the special education teacher who used her body to shield bullets from her class.

He is in the first-grade teacher who locked her students in a closet and gave up her own life.

He is in the third-grade teacher  who gave her life shielding her students from bullets and the kindergarten teacher who read books to her students as they hid in cubbies.  (Source)

He is in the teachers, all over the world, who love their students and offer them hope and stability when no one else does.  The teachers who pray for their students by name and over their classrooms before leaving in the afternoon.

He is in the students not afraid to love the "outcast" or share scripture with a hurting friend.  The Young Life leaders who bring lunch to lost students and show up at their volleyball games.

God IS in schools.

Sure, as a public school teacher, I don't preach from my podium, lead prayers for the class, or write Bible verses on my blackboard.  I don't "share" my faith in many of the outward ways we tend to associate with having God in schools; but, I assure you, I share him.  

When I was leading Young Life years ago, one of my favorite adages was, "you might be the only Jesus someone sees today," and I try to remember that when I wake up early and walk into a sea of bleary eyed teenagers every morning.

It is a privilege really.  I'm not bound by words or promises; instead,  I get to show my students every day who Jesus is, by loving them and showing up.  By really caring.  By smiling. By believing in them.

And I see Him in them too.  Every.single.day. 

So, I will mourn.  I will remember.  I will cry for the 26 and the broken world we live in.  But I will not let evil steal my joy.  I will choose to find hope in the good.  I will look for light in the glimpses of Jesus all around us.  And, now, more than ever, I will celebrate the season and be thankful for the birth of a child in a stable all those years ago who came, ultimately, to save us from that evil.

 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:5 (ESV)

Church After Baby (Lesson 18)

This is a post that has been brewing in me for some time now; but, something always stops me from actually writing it out.  Part of it is the fact that people I love and respect from my church in real life read this.  (As if they haven't noticed that things have been different since Sam.)  But, on a deeper level, it is just that admitting that church is hard these days makes me feel guilty, like a little bit of a failure at this whole "raise your child in the way he should go" thing.  (I hate when I am that kind of a Christian - the one who thinks they are defined by what they do or don't do - but old habits die hard, and sometimes I am.)

Anyways, here it is:

Church after baby has been hard for me.  Really hard.

Now that that's out there, let me back up and give a little disclaimer:

Our church family has been nothing but wonderful and supportive to Jeff and I from the moment we found out we were pregnant.  (And well before that too.) They hosted showers, they visited us in the hospital, they brought meals, they have been patient and understanding, and they have loved our boy.  This is NOT about my church.  It is about ME.  Please hear that.

So, with that said...

Back when Sam was first born, I kind-of gave myself a "free pass" with church. You may have heard me say this before (haha), but he wasn't exactly an easy infant.  He wasn't the kind that would sleep in my arms during the service or sit quietly in his stroller in the back of the church.  Getting out of the house was hard enough work; and then church itself was exhausting with all the pacing, bouncing, soothing, and trying to feed him without simultaneously flashing the congregation or having a nervous breakdown. He still felt too young to put in the nursery; so, we let it go, only going to church once in a while.

As he got older, and I felt more comfortable with going out in public, putting him in the nursery, etc,, I expected it to get easier.  But, it was still hard. The challenges were just different.  More selfish, if I'm being honest. I had gone back to work full time, and Sam went to a babysitter at 8AM five days a week. The mornings when we got to stay in our pajamas, drink coffee, and spend time as a family became SO precious. The last thing I wanted to do was spend another morning rushing around the house getting ready and put Sam in someone else's care. Also - and this helped me justify our absence a little more - Sam had finally fallen into a nice napping schedule, with his first nap at 9:30AM.  Church started at ten.

There was something else too.  While our church was literally FULL of babies, I knew only one other working mom there.  This was really hard for me.  I felt left out of the club - you know, the 9AM Bible Studies (which my church doesn't even have) and play dates club.  More than that, I felt jealous.  And guilty. And maybe a little bitter. I felt like no one could relate to what a sacrifice it was for me to get to church on Sundays; and, sometimes I believed the lies that people thought I was less of a mom because I didn't stay home with my baby. (Again, see disclaimer.  Those are LIES.  But, nonetheless, it was the way I felt.)

So, I became an expert at justification. I told myself this was a season, and we'd get back in the groove when it was over.

When it was over...

Well, Sam is sixteen months old now.  I work part-time. But, one season has simply been replaced by another.

Going to church is still hard. (Although, it is getting easier.) It doesn't come naturally for me, and I don't always (although sometimes I do) wake up on Sunday mornings looking forward to church.  These days, now that I am finally feeling more confident and settled as a mom, what makes it hard isn't so much my good "reasons," but more because I've fallen out of the habit.

To be fair, parenthood has been a time of spiritual growth and maturity for me.  I do not feel far away from God.  Quite the contrary.  Motherhood has (in the words of a wise friend) taught me more about Jesus than any book or sermon or Bible study ever could. I know grace, and trust, and surrender more than I ever have.  BUT, and there's always a 'but'...

I believe community IS important.  Raising our children in the church IS a priority for Jeff & me.  Our hopes for Sam, from the very beginning, have been that he would grow up in a community of people that love him, pray for him, and help him to build his own relationship with Christ and love others the way He would.  If I had to write a "mission statement" as a parent, that would be it... I WANT Sam to grow up knowing how important people are to us; seeing that we are NOT selfish with our time.  That we make community and relationships a priority.

So, we move on... I will probably never be the mom at church with her two week old; but, like so many other things in motherhood, I will choose to show myself grace, name the things that are hard, and move forward... one step at a time. :)

Can you relate to this?  Do you have any tips for church after baby?  Do you know a young mom at your church who hasn't been around much lately?  Please reach out to her.  Tell her it's ok.  Tell her she is still a good mom.  THAT is community.  THAT is the church.

P.S.  I'm going to call this Lesson #18.

Why I Didn't Eat at Chickfila Today...

Seriously, I really try to practice Separation of Politics and Blog - mainly because I am admittedly uneducated on such topics and prefer to make myself look good here - but there has been SO much hype in the Christian community recently (all over Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.) and I just can't keep quiet any more!

(This might, of course, also have something to do with the fact that I have been with academics all week discussing the power of the written word and the development of an argument... But, whatever.)

So... It is Wednesday, which is the day for confessing around here, and here's my confession: As I write this, I am sitting alone (and I mean, literally, alone - as in no one else is in the restaurant) at a fast-food sushi/rice bowl restaurant in a strip mall when there is a perfectly delicious looking Chickfila just across the parking lot.  I can't really explain it, but I just could not bring myself to eat there today.  Tomorrow for lunch, you better believe I'll be the first in line, but not tonight.

Here's where I'm going with this...

1. I love Jesus.

2. I genuinely strive to love all people - even the ones that think or act differently than I do.

3. I love Chickfila.

Those things are pretty much basic truths in my life; and, if you've been reading for any amount of time, I hope they have been evident. *Yes, they are in a particular order; and yes, there are quite a few things that come between the second item and the third - just in case you were worried about my priorities and/or theology.

Anyway, until recently, I never questioned whether any of those things were mutually exclusive...
I like Chickfila.  I think they have the best darn chicken in America.  I think they know how to treat moms and kids. I think their oreo milk shakes are life changing.  I still plan to make it a regular part of my life, I just do.  BUT, I didn't want to eat there tonight, because I don't want to somehow be a part of this whole show...

My feelings for the chicken sandwich is NOT a statement about my feelings for people.



Jesus LOVED people folks.  He was about everybody pulling up a chair and eating TOGETHER - the adulterous woman, the tax collector, and the Pharisee - the churchy person who thought they had the right to judge other people.

I've seen a lot of quotes about Jesus loving sinners; and, I agree.  But, here's the thing... We are ALL sinners, every last one of us.

If you DID wait in line for your #1 today, that's ok.  If you never want to see another buttered bun with chicken and pickles again, that's ok too...  But, bottom line?  Jesus just LOVED.  He didn't support the groups that hated, but he didn't turn down an invitation to dine with them either...

That's it. 

(P.S. Jen Hatmaker puts this A LOT better here.  Seriously, just go read her here.)

My Story

Well, I promised this on "Sunday," I just didn't say which one... Thanks for your patience with me as I've taken my sweet time writing this.  It proved to be MUCH more difficult than I expected; but really good too...  Anyway, if you haven't read "The Prologue" to my story, start here...

If my story is a love story, it is one of an arranged marriage (although, don't read too far into that analogy, ok?).  I don't really remember a time in my life where I didn't believe in God.  My parents are Christians and raised my sister and I in a home full of love, Bible stories, and bed-time prayers.  We grew up in a traditional Baptist church - the same church that my mom attended as a little girl, where my parents were married, and - later, where Jeff and I would walk down the aisle.  My parents and grandparents were very involved in the church - cooking meals, serving as Deacons, organizing activities - and, so, my sister and I naturally were too. Many of my earliest and fondest childhood memories come from that church - Sunday school, VBS, summer camps, children's choir, Halloween parties, etc. etc. etc.  Church was a vivid and happy part of my childhood.  I am thankful for that, and hope that one day Sam will be able to say the same of his life.

On the Sunday before my 10th birthday, I was baptized before our church congregation.  At various points in my faith, I've questioned whether it was "real" or not because I was so young; but, I've concluded that I DID - in my ten year old heart and mind - believe. I believed that God made the world, and that he made me.  I believed that the Bible was true.  And, I believed in a man named Jesus that died on a cross for our sins.  That said, I did NOT understand at that point what all those things meant for MY life.

From the day they say their vows and sign their papers, an arranged marriage is very much the real thing.  The two are tied to one another and committed to one another for life - at least in the legal sense.  But, I'd imagine that the real work of developing true, deep, love takes TIME.  In the same way, my baptism committed me to Jesus.  It was real and for life.  BUT, I wasn't transformed at that very moment.  In fact, from the outside, my life didn't look much different before or after Christ.  That's been a part of my story that I've wrestled with for years until, only recently, I've understood that it has been my HEART all along that He has changed - dramatically, really.

I call the church where I grew up "traditional" because it has a white steeple, pews, hymnals, and we wore dresses with black patent leather maryjanes on Sunday mornings.  But, it wasn't a traditional church in the stereotypical uber-conservative kind-of way.  Thankfully, neither were my parents... While church was a big part of their lives, they also had lots of other interests too; and, they were FUN.  We had dance parties to Madonna and I often saw them enjoy a beer with friends.  However, even despite the environment I grew up in, as I got older, I still somehow associated being a Christian with rules and performance. 

I'm a rule follower.  Maybe it is the first-born in me; but I LOVE rules.  To this day, I feel incredible guilt when I drive the wrong way down an aisle with a painted arrow on it at the grocery store.  It can be a real problem.  And so, I guess it makes sense that when I took "vows" of True-Love-Waits and thou shalt not smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol with the heathen teenagers at the high school at my middle-school church camps and Bible studies, I took it pretty seriously.  I think, somehow subconsciously, I made the decision during those all-defining adolescent years, that I would be known as a "good girl."  That would be my identity.  I wish I could say it had more to do with Jesus; but, honestly, it was a lot about reputation and wanting to be known as something in the big sea with LOTS of fish.

As I entered high school and was faced with actually "living out" some of these rules; I found that being good came easily, and I liked the attention it got me from parents (both my own and my friends'), teachers, and my peers. Also at this time, I became involved with Young Life and gave much of my time and energy to that.  I went to camp, invited friends to club, and got up at 6AM to go to Campaigners before school once a week.  Although I really believe that God was softening my heart through the stories of Jesus and his relationships with people that I heard there; still, I don't think the theme of LOVE had sunk in just yet.

At least in my own memory, I was happy and nice to people on the outside.  But, on the inside, I was focused a lot on my image - on what other people thought - and not that much on Jesus and who He is.  One of my most shameful memories  is of keeping a Bible on my night stand and only flipping it open when I heard my parents coming up the stairs to check on me...

Do I believe I was a Christian then?  Absolutely.  I think God captured my heart and mind early and he did not leave me.  BUT, I think I was missing out on the LIFE He promises in favor of rules and reputation instead.

By my senior year, God was beginning a "behind the scenes" work in my life.  He was going to intervene with his plan whether I liked it or not... To this day, I have no idea why (other than the above statement), but I adamantly decided to leave behind the image I had worked so hard to build (not to mention my new boyfriend - Jeff) and go to college out of state.  In the grand scheme of my life so far, I think this was one of the best and most life-changing decisions I ever made.  God had to get me out of my comfort zone, to really get me...

My roommate freshman year was a divine appointment - and I don't use that terminology lightly.  Pryor was my first best friend.  We went to preschool together starting at age 2.  It seems funny to me now to think that I had a best friend - someone I had met on my own, not been forced to play with because our moms were friends - at 2, but I did.  We were soul sisters - which only proved to be more obvious 15 years later when we realized (though her family had moved to Tennessee and we hadn't talked in over a decade), that we were both planning to go to Clemson University in the fall. 

Our stories had been very similar throughout middle and high school.  Pryor too had become involved in Young Life and was living out her faith.  When we decided to be roommates, in addition to picking out matching Pottery Barn bedding, we discussed going to Young Life leader training together and which Bible verses we'd write with swirly markers across our mirrors.  It was a match made in heaven - literally.

Once we got to school, many of my expectations were met.  Pryor and I picked up right where we left off, and our freshman year started beautifully. BUT, inside, I was struggling with the fact that no one knew me here; and, more importantly, no one was particulary impressed by me.  (Isn't that awful?)  That fall, Clemson was named the #2 party school in the nation and the #1 school for church attendance by US News... Neither road of good, or bad, behavior was very novel at my new home.

Furthermore, Pryor (and many of the other girls I was beginning to build friendships with) seemed to have real faith.  In fact, Pryor actually read her Bible before bed instead of just using it as an accessory. There were lots of people in my life now that were "good."  All the sudden, being good wasn't enough; there was always someone better.  I couldn't be good enough.  It was a hard semester - next to marriage, and now parenthood, one of the most refining periods of my life so far.

Something happened in my heart that year that no college-prep book could have prepared me for.  I gave up trying to be the best and realized that I was a mess.  I began, for the first time, to see that I was full of sin and I needed Jesus - He didn't need me.  Through Young Life leader training and my new-found friendships with an incredible group of girls - all at different places in their own walks - I started to really understand the relational side of faith and the concept of GRACE.  I saw how Jesus loved people - people who were not at all "good" - and how His message was always one of love and forgiveness - not rules.

I didn't go off the deep end in my newfound freedom that year - again, I don't think my outward "behavior" looked all that different than before - but my heart was made new.  A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as I allowed myself to just be loved by God instead of always doing.  For the first time, when someone asked me "how are you doing spiritually" - which people do a lot in the Christian community - my first thoughts went to how I was loving other people, instead of how many quiet times I had or hadn't had in the last week. 

I could literally write six more pages, but I'll stop here.  That year was BIG, but it wasn't the end.  If Freshman year was a turning point, I've probably had three or four more since then.  As I said before, I'm a Peter... This is a walk for me - not a final destination.  One of my biggest fears in writing my story down is that someone who knows me well today will think this all sounds "fake" because my life isn't always a  reflection of the work in my heart.  But, the truth is, I'm just as a big a mess now as I ever was - I just recognize it a little more now.  I'm always going to be "working it out." God is still writing my story and changing my heart. Thank goodness.

*I realize that sharing something like this brings up all kinds of deep theological questions about what it means to be saved, the purpose of baptism, free will vs. predestination, etc.  I think all those things are important to think about sometimes, but I don't think they are necessarily vital to my faith.  So - try to just hear the message of Jesus and love and grace, and let Him work out the rest in your own heart, ok?