Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Guest Post... How to Impress a Southerner

While I'm on the road, I've invited some blog friends to "Guest Post" on topics near and dear to their hearts...

To get things started, I'm happy to introduce you to Delilah from DC Dating Divas.  (Do you not love the concept of this blog already?!?!)  Enjoy her "How To" post, and be sure to check out her blog.  Then, come back tomorrow for the return of Bachelor of the Week!

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My name is Delilah, and I'm just a 20something girl who hasn't quite given up on love yet. Born and bred in the South, I'm a true Southern belle who requires the occasional mint julep and a Sunday at the shooting range to keep me satisfied. I currently spend my time balancing working 18 manic hours a week at an unpaid internship in DC, working as a waitress on weekends, and helping maintain the anonymous blog DC Dating Divas. This dating diva has been burned by love before, but I'm still willing to play the dating game, even if it means making up the rules as I go along.



Last weekend, I went to Atlanta for a wedding. It was wonderful -- the bride was beautiful, the food was yummy, and the band was fantastic. But, by the looks on some of the groom's family's faces and the hushed conversations I overhead; however, it was clear there was an underlying scandal. The groom has been a friend of mine since middle school, but we'd not spoken in depth about his bride to be, so naturally I was curious. After mingling with the mother of the groom I soon discovered that-gasp!- he was marrying a Yankee. Now to someone from nearly anywhere else - the North, the West coast, or Plains states - this doesn't sound like that big of a deal. But, to a truly Southern family, this is a tragedy. Sadly, this new bride is doomed to forever be an outsider in this family unless she takes immediate action.

Since I'm from the South, but live in DC now (for school), I've noticed the many subtle differences between 'Yankees' and Southerners, and have come up with a list of things girls (or even guys) can say/do to earn brownie points with Southerners. These can work for many occasions such as a first date with a Southern belle, meeting your significant other's Southern born parents, or even a summer vacation to the South. So please Yankees (aka anyone who lives north of the Mason-Dixon line) pay attention to this list...
 
1.) Accept the fact that people will refer to you as a Yankee
You cannot change this. If you are nice, we will not call you a "Damn Yankee" though. Even if you were born in Southern Maryland, you are suspicious. Your ancestors could have destroyed my family's farmland in the War of Northern Aggression. If you are from any state Northeast of Washington, DC you will be referred to as a Yankee unless you can somehow prove your family fought for the Confederacy.

2.) Try not to roll your eyes when people refer to the Civil War as the War of Northern Aggression
I understand the urge to, believe me. My family weren't big plantation owners or anything (just poor farm boys) but we still take offense to Sherman burning his way through the South.
3.) Never EVER criticize another woman's fried chicken
Food is serious business to us. We would appreciate it if you would keep negative comments to yourself and just nod and smile. Also, please note that your comments about food will never be taken seriously anyway since everyone knows Yankees can't cook.
4.) Casually mention that Paula Deen is your hero
If you don't know who she is, you may already be a lost cause.

5.) Don't discuss sex, religion, or money at mealtime
Southerners always take care not to offend, or bring up topics that may be uncomfortable. Politics may be brought up only if you are certain of the other person's position.
6.) Learn the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash
It's better if you follow your instincts on this one.
7.) Realize that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, verb, or adverb
As in "I'm fixin to make a mess a collard greens. Do y'all have the fixins?" 
8.) Order Sweet Tea
Remember-it can never be too sweet. If a restaurant doesn't have it, you must act appalled.

9.) Use the phrase "bless her heart" often and appropriately
Example: "She's dumber than a rock, bless her heart."
10.) Act like "you been raised proper"
Manners go a long way with Southerners. Say yes/no ma'am or sir. Never put your elbows on the table, and always sit up straight.
I promise I'm not a Yankee hater. Some of best friends are Yankees! However, they would all be forced to listen to me rattle off these rules if I found out they were planning a trip south of the Mason-Dixon. So next time any of you Yankees wander off to the heart of Dixie and fall for one of our many "good ole southern boys" remember these simple rules and you might be invited to sit and stay a while.
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I'm curious... what would YOU add to this list?  Also, I'd LOVE to have a counter-post from a real life Northerner.  Any takers?

9 comments:

  1. I love this. It's SO true! I kept nodding and laughing haha Paula Deen is my hero for sure and I love that it's on the list!!

    I'm really interested to see a Northerners take!! haha!

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  2. LOL!!!! I love this post. I was born in Philadelphia but raised in Texas (and my daddy is from Texas) so I consider myself a Southerner. I live in the DC area and I still get "looks" every time I drop "y'all." :)

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  3. I grew up in the south, but spent four years in CT and now claim both Northern self-importance and Southern hospitality.

    I would add, become astute at passive aggression ("bless her heart" being a prime example). You cannot call someone out in the South directly. Instead you must be conniving and sugar-coat insults to make them sound like compliments.

    Also, try to neutralize any non-Southern accents to the best of one's ability.

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  4. @The Non-Student You're so right! Haha bless her heart is one of the best passive aggrssive tools we have.

    xx,
    Delilah

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  5. thanks for the laughs! Love this !

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  6. This was soooo great and hilarious! Love it!

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  7. Want to really put a zinger on it? I hear "bless his/her little lovin' heart" all the time. I guess throwing two more positive traits into the slang makes it more acceptable. :)

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  8. Love it.

    born in Delaware, raised in Virginia, and now living just East of D.C. , I find a lot of truth in what you've written. I've got family dug into the south deeper than ticks on a hound dog (like that analogy?) and we've always got to put on the proper show when we go visitin'.

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  9. I LOVE this! I was born and raised in Alabama and to the horror of my family, married a Yankee. Thankfully, he successfully passes as a true Southern boy. Just don't tell his mother that...

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Your comments are what makes this thing fun! I LOVE to hear from you and do my best to respond to everyone! THANK YOU!


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