Monday, November 16, 2009

Burnt Toast

This weekend, Jeff & I took a whirlwind trip with his family to Charlotte for a family friend's wedding. The wedding was beautiful and lots of fun --- the night even ended with Marshall & Freda gettin' it down in a dance club called "The Dirty Martini." Folks, it doesn't get much better than that.

Anyway, this was a Southern Baptist wedding with no drinking and no dancing; therefore, to fill the time, each member of the wedding party was given an opportunity to speak into the microphone and toast the couple. I don't think the maids and men were warned about this obligation because a lot of nervous giggling and inappropriate stories ensued. One woman even actually mentioned having her feet in STIRRUPS at one point... at a wedding!

Naturally, this got me thinking about wedding toasts. In the three and half years since we graduated, goodness knows Jeff & I have heard our fair share. *We've both even stumbled through our own blunders plenty a time - so no judgement here. BUT, the truth is, most toasts would really be better off written in a friendly letter later on. So, as a professional wedding guest, I offer:

Top Ten Things NOT To Do in a Wedding Toast:
1. Discuss reasons and/or examples of why you thought the couple would NEVER work.
2. Mention (repeatedly) how many times the bride/groom said they would NEVER marry said partner.
3. Giggle uncontrollably about nothing. Example: "There are SO many funny stories... (Giggle, Giggle, Giggle.)" (If you do plan to do this, at least TELL the funny story eventually.
4. Talk about previous boyfriends/girlfriends. (Obviously.)
5. Mention anything having to do with the bedroom, the bathroom, or the labor & delivery room.
6. Release well-kept secrets (like the couple already living together) to unassuming grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.
7. Talk excessively about your wedding/wife/husband/etc. (This is not YOUR day, please.)
8. Thank the parents of the bride for the open bar --- really, just tacky.
9. ANYTHING that takes you past the five minute mark. (Avoid all powerpoint presentations and the like.)
10. Profess YOUR love for the bride or groom.

Let's keep this going... What would you suggest?

A few pictures from the weekend:
And... Just in case anyone is more interested in a wedding of their own than a wedding toast. Meet my single brother-in-law. Trust me, he has PLENTY of flaws... But he's a good guy all around. Contact me for more information.


  1. I think you should break all ten of those rules when you give your speech at our wedding :)Please please please confess your love for Davey... it would be hilarious.

  2. So, I have recently started reading your blog and decided to start at the very beginning, so I could try to understand more about your blogging. You are hilarious!!! You seem to have a very fun, easy-going personality. Your BIL is a very handsome man - I really wish I knew as many single guys as you do; it would be so much more beneficial for my dating life (nonexistent currently) if I did. ;)


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