Tuesday, August 3, 2010

If I Was on The Bachelorette

Am I the only one who thinks about what it would be like to be on The Bachelorette

First of all, I would have chosen Chris, even despite the fact that he was wearing a striped shirt with NO undershirt and plaid shorts for his final date.  I like Roberto, a lot, but I just thought Chris had experienced a little more in his life.  Plus, his family won me over.  And, how much did my heart melt when he just said "Good Luck tomorrow" after Ali smashed his dreams of proposing -- Such a gentleman! 
(Photos from www.thehollywoodgossip.com + my head.)

(Speaking of which, can we just say "kudos to Ali."  I feel like she brought some redemption back to this show, and handled an awkward - to say the least - situation with gentleness and grace.  She made me proud to be a girl... I'm just saying!)

Anyways, back to the matter at hand... My FAVORITE thing to imagine about being on The Bachelorette is the FAMILY VISIT.  

Here's the way I see it going down at my house:

I'm bringing two hunks (let's call one of them Jeff) home to meet my family.  We will be accompanied by an entire camera crew.  Totally normal.
My cute mom & dad (in real life).

My mom would greet us at the door like this is "no big deal,"  her life always looks like this!  BUT...
In preparation, she has gotten botox and put my dad on a very strict diet.  My dad has not slept for eight nights because he's been renovating every room of the house, and my mom has gone in debt up to her eyeballs re-decorating.  A caterer has been hired to cook an absolutely beautiful dinner and make sure it is presented perfectly, all the while remaining invisible.  My mom would have had her hair done fifteen times and been shopping for MONTHS to choose the right outfit.  Of course, she would look stunning and the house would look like something out of a magazine.  (Honestly, it already does... But, I ASSURE you, she would do more!)
My sister (oh, my sister) would have hired a person trainer and had a boob job the SECOND I was selected to go on the show.  On the night of the filming she would look drop-dead-gorgeous... Seriously, she'd get a modeling gig out of this.  I imagine some kind of black dress --- probably something totally impractical for a family dinner.  She and my mom would have been "practicing" every night for the past two weeks making sure that neither one of them said anything ridiculous.  They might be in a fight.

Later, when she got him alone, Kathryn would ask my "date" something like: "How do you plan to treat me if you marry my sister." 

My dad would be sweet.  He might cry.  He might also be wearing a chef's jacket or apron - and he'd be perfectly color-coordinated.  He'd be protective, but not a jerk.

My mom, when given the chance for a one-on-one chat, would be on her best behavior.  (Of course, she'd probably be sneaking pictures on her cell phone and texting her friends all the details.  That is, IF, her best bud Peggy wasn't already hiding in the bushes or conveniently "popping in" to say hello.")  She would worry about where we would live -- hope he's ok with Roanoke -- and ask questions about his family - although not too private of questions, that's "goshe".

Obviously, Granny and Poppy would be there.  Poppy would probably wear one of the suits that he bought a couple of years ago, in which he announced to the salesman (and would surely repeat now) he planned to be buried in.  He would definitely get food all over him during dinner, and he might fall asleep afterwards. Granny would be as quiet as a little bug, but she'd look amazing.  In private, she'd ask me if he was a good kisser. ;)

The real funny part would come when I got to talk to my family in "private."  I assure you, they would not hold back.  They would be disgusted if one of the boys was wearing a necklace or had too much gel in his hair.  They would also be sure to tell me if I had gained weight, or was broken out, or my hair looked too brassy.  There would be none of this, "They both are wonderful, you have a tough decision in front of you."  Oh no, they would have an opinion.  Kathryn's comments would probably have to be bleeped out some.  (She might also have to wear a black box over her chest... )

In the end, I'd go with what they said.  They are ridiculous, but they know me.  Kathryn would beat a boy up if he ever hurt me - seriously.

Later, on this same night, Kathryn (accidently?) kicked a boy in the head with her heel and he ended up with stitches.  Case - in - point.
I think I'd leave my house with my mind made up...

...If I was on The Bachelorette.
P.S. I enter Kathryn to be on The Bachelor every time.  She is a producer's dream. 


  1. I enjoyed this post
    maybe even a little TOO much:)

  2. I have to say, I was MORE THEN thrilled with the ending. I liked chris too..but roberto? He almost stole MY heart. Haha.

  3. Now E, you disappoint me! I would NEVER behave in this manner.... for goodness sake!! My home is always ready for television crews to pop in, and I keep myself completely perfect - all the time!!! Now that Peg, everything you wrote about her is totally true!
    Honestly, I love these shows, I love all that stuff....and I do think Kathryn would be the funnest contestant ABC would ever pick!!! (she could be the one in the house with the boyfriend, and would tell everyone where to go if they questioned her motives.) Love it!!!

  4. Speaking as the boy who was kicked in the head and lived to tell the tale (8 staples later), I would never get on her bad side! lol In her defense, she did take me to the hospital where we were asked if we were having a "domestic dispute". hahaha It really was an accident (or so she says)!!!

  5. Oh my gosh, this was hilarious, absolutely hilarious!!

  6. First, I feel it necessary to correct your grammar. You ended a sentence with 'that's "goshe".' For future reference, the quotation mark goes after the period.

    On another note, I am embarrassed to say this, but I also watched the finale, and I was also disappointed in the choice. Both of the dudes seemed really effeminate, but the the Mexican one seemed especially gay (I think everyone from Massachusetts comes across a little gay, so I'll give Chris a break.) It become overt when on the boat ride over he started confessing how he "didn't know if he could do this," because he has to be "true to himself." That means he wants the publicity, but he'd rather marry another dude (look for him on the Gay Bachelor soon).

    Just my thoughts...


  7. Loved that!! I don't think my life would nearly be interesting enough...but it's fun to dream!!

  8. Dear "Politic-Al".... it is also considered to be extremelly "goshe" to correct someone's english when you have at least one grammatical error in your post. CHECK YO-SELF!!!!!

  9. Girl, I hate that you missed our huge game vs. Team Bono to watch reality television, but I must admit that this might be one of my favorite posts. I like to think I would play the behind-the-scenes friend who encourages Kathryn to keep using more profanity and tells you that you look like you've lost weight and that your hair is perfect :)

    P.S. Getting Kathryn on the Bachelorette would probably be the only way to get me to watch that dang show :)


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