Thursday, December 30, 2010

Plus Sign (No pictures of pee-stick here.)

For starters, you should know that I'm slightly obsessed with taking pregnancy tests.  Not in a creepy way, but I just always have these weird "feelings" about being pregnant.  This started back when Jeff and I first got married.

These are not mine.  I make it a rule not to post pictures of things I have peed on.  Just my personal preference.  Either way, I thought some one out there may have never seen a pregnancy test and, well, it's relevant to this post. ;)
For example, there is one infamous story where I woke Jeff up in the middle of the night (this, after I had already walked to the nearest 7-11 seeking a pregnancy test, but to no avail) convinced that I was pregnant.  I MADE him drive me to the drugstore, and, of course... Was NOT pregnant.  After that event, we kept a box of tests in the bathroom for such an occasion as this.  ;)  Over the past three and a half years, I've probably taken over 25 tests. (That's a lot - especially considering that for at least 3.25 of those years, my odds of getting pregnant were .1%.)  

Anyways, this fall was no exception to my craziness.  In the weeks before finding out we actually were pregnant, I had taken several tests.

Jeff and I found out we were pregnant on a Saturday morning.  The TUESDAY before, I took a pregnancy test in the morning.  And, to my surprise, there was a very, very faint positive sign.  So faint, in fact, that when I showed it to Jeff - who was still sleeping, mind you (Mistake #1) - he said, "That's just a line showing through.  It probably looked like that before you took the test.  I'm sorry girl, but you aren't pregnant."  So, I threw the test away and finished straightening my hair.

Again, not mine.... But, this is the closest I can find to what mine looked like that morning.  See... very faint plus sign in the circle.
About lunch time, I was struck with an uncontrollable need to Google "very faint positive signs."  When I did, I kept reading the same thing... "Any positive is a positive."  So, by the time I got home from work, the cycle had begun again.  I was convinced I was really pregnant this time.  After digging my test out of the trash (is this tmi?) and comparing it to photos on the internet (see above photo) for a few hours, Jeff finally agreed that there was a chance.  We went to Kroger to buy a digital test - no room for human error this time - and settle this debate once and for all... 

Jeff hid in the bread aisles while I went to the pharmacy.  Apparently, digital tests are a hot commodity, because they are behind a locked door. So,  I was forced to speak to the pharmacist  - who instructed me to wait "a few days" or, at the very least until the next morning before taking the test.  Something about diluted pee?!?  My brain was in a fog.

Test in hand, we left.  And, I assure you, I had ZERO intention of waiting until morning to test.  (Mistake #2.)

P.S. On the way out, a security alarm went of - hot commodity I tell you - and a guard had to stop us and go through our (one, very small, obviously from the pharmacy) bag.  She definitely congratulated us three times and asked if this was "planned."  "Hello?  We are just trying to get home and TAKE the test!!! Is this really happening?"  So awkward.

Anyways, we went home and I immediately tested.  Then, we stood in the kitchen and waited the exact two minutes as the package instructed, before peeking.  This time, even Jeff felt more confident.  We were nervous, but giddy and excited.
And, when we walked up to the little white stick, it read:  "Not Pregnant."

I'd taken plenty of tests that turned out negative.  This was no big deal.  But, this time it felt different.  I doubt I will ever forget that moment.  I was genuinely sad and disappointed.  BUT, at least the wondering was over...

We went to bed after that, and prayed, and convinced each other that NOW just wasn't God's timing.  We weren't ready to be parents.  Our life wasn't set-up for a baby just yet.  This was a GOOD thing.  

Little did we know...

I think I rebelled the next two days.  I'm not a drinker.  But, I drank wine on Thursday night at an event with my mom, and beer on Friday at a concert.  Of course.

Then, Saturday morning, as soon as my eyes opened I had one thought: "We bought a pack of two."  While Jeff was still sleeping (again), I snuck to the bathroom to take the second pregnancy test.  (Well, third of the week... But, you know what I mean.)  

I took it, but I knew what it was going to say.  I didn't even stand over it and stare.  I just set it on the counter and got in the shower.  When I got out, well... the rest, as they say... is history...  I surprised Jeff (again) in bed, and this time there was no denying it.  

We just sat there.  Stunned.  Scared.  Happy.  But, quiet and shaky.  Just three nights before God had told us it wasn't our time. And, we'd accepted that.

I always thought when I found out I was pregnant, I'd want to scream it from the mountain tops... But, I was kind of silent.  Jeff and I had said we'd take the day off of whatever we were doing and just do cartwheels all day (or something like that)... But instead, I got dressed and worked the Stocked Market.  I picked up donuts at Krispy Kreme and got a decaf coffee.  I shopped with my mom and Peggy, and didn't say one word (about baby at least).  I called Jeff a lot, and we just kept repeating "This is real.  This is real."  And that night, we met Jeff's parents at a winery (go figure) for dinner, and pretended like our whole world hadn't just changed.

Of course, in the days that followed... it sunk in.  Telling our parents was HUGE.  So fun, and so reassuring.  And, seeing our little heartbeat - we both cried tears of joy and gratefulness. Jeff and I CAN'T WAIT to be parents.  Literally, I think it is what we were made for.  

But, that first day, was NOTHING like I thought it would be.  To be honest, a lot of pregnancy hasn't been. (I guess no number of What to Expect When You're Expecting books can really prepare you.)
So, that's our story.

I tell it because... 1.) It's funny.  The whole time it was happening (especially with the security guard at Kroger), I kept thinking "I can't wait to write about this on the blog."  And 2.) Because, I want to remember it.  It's funny, and sad, and happy - like all good stories are.  I want to look back in ten years and remember how faithful God is, and how perfect his timing is... even when (and maybe especially when) it doesn't match up with mine. 

I don't really know what happened on that Tuesday night.  But, I'm glad it happened that way.  I'm glad all of this happened when (and how) it has... There was a time in my life when I felt like I deserved to be a mom.  Like, of course, I'd get pregnant when I was ready.  But, God had other plans for me... for my heart.  He had to bring me through a season first.  A season of wanting and waiting and even (although short lived) accepting "No."  

I don't claim to have a "hard story."  (I know too many people who have really struggled and ached for a baby, and my heart hurts for them - know that I have prayed and cried out to God for you more than ever in the last few weeks.) But, I'm certainly aware now of the gift that this is.  I don't take it for granted. 

This is our story.  It is the beginning of our adventure, and I am thankful for every part of it.

P.S. On the off chance you are still reading (sorry I'm SO wordy these days), don't forget to take my little gender poll in the upper right corner.  Just for kicks! :)

8 comments:

  1. This was a little confusing to read.......so you Are pregnant then? if so congrats!

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  2. Loved your story...how exciting! Congratulations again!!! : )

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  3. Love your test/Kroger story! Too funny and oh so awkward!

    Thank you for posting all of this...it's quite comforting (& reassuring) to me as we continue ttc!

    Congratulations, again!

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  4. Congratulations! In high school my friends and I were staying at a hotel in the middle of nowhere on our way to spring break, so we decided to go to Walmart. I was a virgin at the time, and for some reason we thought it'd be funny for me to take a pregnancy test. When we left the store, the security thing beeped as well. I was mortified (especially since I couldn't even be pregnant) when the security person had to look through my bag.

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  5. this was a fun post! I remember how sad a feeling it was to get a negative test when you were just soooo positive that you were pregnant! I'm glad you shortly after got a positive test! That cracks me up about the Kroger store experience, too freaking funny!

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  6. Came back to read this one, it's a cute story. And take it from someone who peed on lots of sticks and lost lots of babies before we finally got help keeping this one, what happened on Tuesday is the result of a more sensitive test. Some of them can test at 10 units of HCG and the digitals are around 50 units. It takes 24-24 hours for HCG to double in your blood (and then show up in your urine) so you just hadn't had enough doubling time. Your positive that Tuesday really was a positive ;)

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  7. I read the story you had and am so happy for you! I am having a little bit of the same situation myself... I have taken a few pregnancy tests and they look like they are all negative but then a bit after the prescribed "reading time", when I look closely there is a very very very faint positive line. I don't know what to think or whether to get happy or not let myself get excited over it.

    As you said though, we just have to trust in God and know that His timing is right!

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  8. Great story!!! Same thing happened to me. I knew there was a positive line but it was barely there! Found out this morning that I am pregnant!! We have been trying almost 2 years and IUI the last 3 months.

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