Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I get a little jealous sometimes

I typed up this whole post last night as my Midweek Confession post, but then decided it was too serious...  Either way, it is a confession (see title), and I do want to share it... So here goes.

I've never really considered myself a jealous person; but recently, that ugly little bug has been really sneaking into my brain.  (Sick!  Bugs in the brain?  Jealousy is NOT pretty folks.)

A lot of my jealousy stems from being a part of the blog world.  See, by nature, people that blog like attention.  (I'm sorry if that sounds like a stereotype - I'm sure there are some people out there who blog and truly don't like attention... But, if that's the case, I'm kind-of confused about why you don't just journal.) I like attention.  I'm sure that confession doesn't come as a surprise to anyone that knows me.  I've always been a bit of a performer if you will.  Anyway, attention seeking was not  my primary reason for starting a blog (or for continuing it for that matter), but I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't admit that it is an "added bonus" I quite enjoy.  The attention, that is... The idea that people like reading what I write.  That people think I am funny, or likeable, or a decent writer.  Look, "Words of Affirmation" is my love language - and blogging is like an IV of that drug on most days. :)

BUT, when you find even just a little bit of your identity in something like blogging, it leaves a lot of room for ugly things to get in there too.  I play the comparing game a lot.  Facebook used to be the culprit, but now I think it is really more blogs.  That person always looks SO cute - you can't even tell she had a baby.  I wish my house looked more like hers.  I wish I had the money to decorate like she does.  I wish I could stay home and be as organized as her.  Her kids wear the best clothes - Sam just wears footsie pjs most days.  I must be a bad mom because my baby hasn't hit the milestones that her's has.  And even... The really ridiculous ones like: Her blog has WAY more followers than me.  What has she done that's made her blog grow so fast?  If I didn't work, I could have a better blog like theirs.  Why do people want to sponsor her blog and not mine?  My blog would probably be a lot bigger if I was a better photographer and posted more pictures like she does. Etc. etc. etc.

Shoot... Yesterday when a blogger I read & admire (who, to my knowledge does NOT know my blog at all and certainly was not privy to my private email conversations about the "Little Mister" baby shower I'm co-hosting in a few weeks) posted photos from a shower she threw with a "Little Man" theme,  I was kind-of pissedI can't compete with her shower.  I probably won't even blog about ours anymore... It's been done now.  How CRAZY is that?  See... I've got it bad.

Jealousy is nasty, and I'm NOT proud of this confession. 

But, I think it is something most of you can at least sort-of relate to. (I wrote a little bit about this in another MC post, and many of you commented that you understood.) 

Why do women do this to themselves?

The community that I love being a part of and have made so many connections and, really, friends, through... The community that makes me feel "normal" and "understood" so often.  That same community makes me feel bad about myself some days.  Paralyzes me into not being able to write ANYTHING.  That stinks. 

This (jealousy, comparing, etc.) is a battle I've been fighting (we've been fighting) for a LONG time.  If it's not one thing - a boyfriend, a husband, a better job, a bigger house, a better cook, a more popular blog - it's another. 

So... I'm confessing it today.  I'm looking that ugly little stinker right in the face and admitting that I've let it control my thoughts and feed me lies for too long.  Then, I'm moving on.  

I'm NOT looking for more affirmation (not today anyways), so please don't leave me a comment doing that (seriously).  I just want to put it out there.  I want to start the conversation out loud that we have in our head too often. Let's talk about it.  Let's relate.  And then, let's let go of it

*The real (much more light-hearted) Midweek Confessions post will be up this evening, please come back. :)

24 comments:

  1. I literally typed up a post along the same exactly lines last night and have it scheduled to post tomorrow.. I've always been a semi-jealous person.. but over the past year of blogging it has gotten so, so bad. It made me want to quit blogging altogether because I felt like I just couldn't measure up to some bloggers out there. I'm working on it.. and weeding out my google reader so those particular blogs don't show up anymore, but you have no idea how happy I am that I'm not alone in those feelings. I was nervous about posting the post I wrote.. but I feel like you, it helps to vent.

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  2. Lady, I won't say anything nice about your blog. Not in response to this post, since you asked so nicely not to. What I will say is that I have all those same feelings. I get jealous easily, because I have squat in the way of self-esteem. I even have a "friend" on Facebook, who I don't really like. She brags constantly in her posts. Her kids are perfect. Her body is perfect. She is perfectly committed to her diet. Her photography is perfect. It's sick. I keep her as a Facebook friend as a point for venting. Rather than getting down about myself or doing the comparison thing about the blog; I bitch to my husband about this "friend." I keep the jealousy feelings to myself, so I don't get caught up in it, when it comes to blogging.

    It also helps to be part of a supportive blog community, like SITS Girls.

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  3. I know exactly what you are saying! I find myself turning a little green when I read SAHM blogs. I start the whole "It's not fair, why do I have to work? I want to stay home with my baby" bad attitude. Then all kinds of resentment starts...not good. I just give it to God because it is out of my control.
    It is not easy to look undesirable feelings (like jealousy) in the face and even harder to admit them - and confess on the internet. So I commend you for being honest. Lord knows we have all been there in some way or another. (and if it makes you feel better - I only have 3 followers & you are one of them!) HA!

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  4. ;) I think blogging is funny in that you can feel that way about silly things like birthday parties/baby showers/etc re: other bloggers, but in actuality, we are all just living out regular life for us. Of course things will overlap. My future baby will likely have the same name as so and so's baby from so and so's blog, you know? BUT IT IS REAL LIFE ;) We are just those weirdo's (Hehe) who blog about stuff (for the record, I HATE writing in a journal. To me, nothing compares with the ease of typing...) and so suddenly our ideas, our babies names, our house decor is "published". If this makes sense. Anyway. I think your feelings are normal, but everyone is just living their own life and yep, things will naturally overlap/will have the same ideas as others and that's okay I think ;)

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  5. So I still think you should blog about this awesome shower ;)

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  6. I'm so struggling with all those feelings right now. I'm horrible about comparing myself to others. And blogs make it so easy. No matter how much I remind myself that blogs don't tell the whole story (it's easy to not post the pictures of your dirty house right?) I can't help feeling inadequate at times. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. And just for the record...I'm a little jealous of your blog. It's so simple, pretty, and organized : ) Take that as my confession and not the confirmation you specifically asked not to get.

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  7. So true! Women, by nature, compare compare compare! In college I lived in a house with 55 girls, (after growing up with 3 brothers and no sisters), so I definitely learned A LOT about girl stuff:-) xoxo

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  8. I think what you are feeling is completely natural. I have the same feelings as well from time to time. I just try to not let myself get too caught up in them and if I am truly in a weak spot in my life, I just avoid reading others blogs until I can get a grip on things. Thanks for the honesty!

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  9. I feel that way with Facebook. But not with blogs. I don't know why. I know that no one has a "perfect" life. People only tell what they want to share, the good things, but not the things they are not so proud of. So I try not to compare myself to the rest. HOWEVER, I do compare my house to other people's houses, although that doesn't make me feel jealous; in fact, I find it useful, because it inspires me!

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  10. I really appreciate it when people are so honest in the blog world! Sometimes it is a little too much of seeing the perfect side of people's lives! It's good to relate on a real level!

    Maybe it's different because my blog doesn't have the same readership that yours does, but I usually feel relieved when I see someone else has done the same thing I don't want to do because then I don't have to come up with all the ideas on my own!

    I took a break from Facebook for awhile (about 10 months I think) and I almost quit again after going back because I found myself obsessivly looking at other peoples engagement photos, wedding photos etc and comparing them to my own life events and saying, I wish I'd had that bouquet, that dress, that photographer...I had to stop! I loved my own wedding and didn't want looking at other people's pictures to give me the idea that it wasn't perfect (it was, for us!). It's a tough demon to beat, thanks for talking about it! :)

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  11. should have said same thing I want to do! Not don't want! ha...

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  12. Thank you, E. This is perfect to read today. I woke up this morning in a really negative, self-critical and jealous mood, and it's not helping me get stuff done. I'm glad you addressed the issue... I think we all get stuck in that line of thinking (at some point in time), but feel like it's not PC to talk about it.

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  13. I am a new reader, and I'm so glad I found your blog. I've been blogging for just over three years, and I absolutely get what you're saying. I've been guilty of spending too much time focusing on other people and being jealous of other girls rather than focusing on myself. I wish I had a magic answer! What I do know is when I get jealous, I never accomplish anything. When I focus on myself and let Sarah shine, I do better. And know you are definitely not alone in your feelings. :)

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  14. I love and read your blog because it is REAL. This post is REAL. We all have jelousy and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I actually was just thinking the other day that I don't like how I've tried to "keep up with the Jones'" on my blog. I'm going to blog MY WAY, FOR ME and if no one likes it, they don't have to read!!! And I for one hope you blog about the baby shower because I must not read the OTHER blog that you mentioned that posted about a Little Man baby shower (or I just don't remember). So, here's to being jelous bitches! hehe Cheers!
    Love, Jen

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  15. I read in someone's blog about a sermon that their pastor gave. In it she quoted him as saying "when you compare yourself to someone else, you are comparing their outsides to your insides." That has stuck with me for awhile because you are putting your feelings to their "stuff" and it makes you feel not good enough. I totally do it all the time, but then I remember I dont know ALL that they are going through and so it is not a fair comparison. Blogs, FB it all adds to it but people just share what they want others to see (which you totally know.)

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  16. I wrote a post so similar to this about a year and a half ago. And I think it was my most popular post to date...sad maybe! I got so many emails from other women who feel the EXACT same way. I think when our lives are so open on our blogs it's SO easy to just compare ourselves to everyone else and what shows up on their blogs. But most people write about sunshine and daisies, not the fights they have with people or that they are struggling with money, or horrible at losing weight or whatever! I think, unfortunately, this is a totally normal feeling and I have had to cut back on blog reading when I find myself feeling this exact same way!!!

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  17. I know exactly what you are saying, E! I struggle with this with Facebook and to a lesser degree with blogs. That's part of the reason I got off Facebook (7 months now), and part of the reason I took a blog break last week! Sometimes it's just good to step back a little. I think almost everyone can relate to these feelings, even the "big names" in blogging!

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  18. Obviously, being comment #18 you've heard it all by now, but like everyone else said, I know where you are coming from. It's just human nature to be jealous. There are a few people in particular in my real life (versus my blog life haha) that I get totally jealous of. & I hate to feel that way but it's those people that always seem to catch the break or snag the deal that I'm always a day late & dollar short for! Keep on blogging how you want to, including the cute Mr. Shower! I want to see what you do even if it has been "done" before.

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  19. I get caught up in this same feeling from time to time. The blogging world is kind of crazy like that. The good thing? You're not alone. And? This too shall pass! Hope you had a nice day :)

    Oh and I have no idea what blogger posted about the Little Mister Party, so PLEASE still post about your party!

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  20. I'd just like to add that (a) you rock and (b) I get A LOT jealous ALL OF THE TIME! I've even been jealous of YOU miss thang... At least once every couple of months I get sick of all the ahh-mazing blogs out there (including yours) and think of calling it quits... I think the world doesn't need another mom blog floating around taking up space but I usually find my way home. I wish I could insert a clever and inspiring song lyric right now... Xo

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  21. I understand and agree with you 100%. I read other peoples blogs/ facebook and get the same feeling from time to time. It can be a little overwhelming. That is why I love how REAL and true your words are. Thanks for sharing. You are not alone :)

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  22. by far the most genuine and honest mom/wife blog entry I've ever read! The reality is, there's a lil crazy in ALL of us - no matter how perfectly we like to portray our lives in cyberland.

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  23. I think you're adorable, so I know the Little Mister party you're throwing will be worthy of reading. (And I saw the shower you're talking about...) Blogging definitely makes me jealous and it's part of the reason I had to stop (oh, and morning sickness, but now that I have a 22 month old I can't really blame that anymore.) I'd see people I liked, felt like I had a connection with, and want to be friends nevermind the fact they have 3,000 followers and don't need anymore friends. Twitter has both helped and hurt that need for approval. It's hard not to judge your life in comparison, but someone recently reminded me how foolish it is to compare my insides with someone else's outsides. They've got dirty laundry they're not showing too.

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  24. I LOVE your blog!!!! I love your style of writing and EVERYTHING you blog about! I am just getting back to these posts (I started following you Dec 2012, I'm going to be sad when I finish "catching up" at work and have to wait for only new posts!). I feel so much of that pressure on my blog! Keep doing what you're doing, your blog is EXCELLENT!!!!! Just recently got married and words of affirmation from premartial counseling made a "I know that" buzzer go off :)

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Your comments are what makes this thing fun! I LOVE to hear from you and do my best to respond to everyone! THANK YOU!


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