Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Letters to the Bachelorettes (Week 4 Recap)

Friday I was out of school for snow, yesterday was a two-hour delay for ice, and today I am wearing flip-flops, blogging from my front porch while Sam naps, and meeting friends at the park later.  ...Not that I'm complaining... I've always said I'm a four-seasons girl, it's even better when they all four come in the same week. ;) Weather is weird though.

Anyway, did you watch ole Sean last night?  I'm not kidding, I have a legit crush on him.  I think he is so so sweet - especially on his date with Selma.  He did take a few steps back for me when he fell for Tierra's shenanigans, but I'm willing to look past it for now.  :) What did you think?

And now... I bring you my first installment of...
 Dear 110 Pound Selma,
     I'm going to start by just saying that I think you are beautiful.  You must have been holding back in the last episodes, because I hadn't really paid much attention to you - but you definitely shined this week.  That said, I'm confused - first of all - about your outfit choice for your date with Sean.  Perhaps if I weighed 110 pounds (60 of which was boobs) and had legs like yours, I too would wear spandex pants and tank tops all the time.  But, really, was that the best you could do?  Please tell me that someone told you you'd be hiking/rock climbing when you "got dressed" for your date.  (And, if they did, why didn't the same person tell AshLee last week not to wear heels when she went to an amusement park? Just wondering.) (P.S. I absolutely LOVED it when you got off the plane and started talking about hating the heat and getting puffy - totally reminded me of my sister.  Amazingly, I never once saw a drop of sweat on you during the hike or rock climb; but, whatever.)
     Second, I respect you for your religion and your standards - I really do.  But, just as other girls have played it in the past, the whole "I'm not going to kiss you, but I will come so darn close that you almost die" game is kind-of annoying and over-done.  If you aren't going to kiss him, fine.  But, really, give the poor guy a break and at least wear a high-neck blouse and sit on separate chairs on something. And, just so you know, Sean is "gentleman enough" to "wait" for you, but that isn't going to keep him from kissing all twelve other girls.  Just FYI.
     Overall, I think you have a decent shot at this thing. Sean obviously is into you (I about melted when he said "I'm crazy about you" at the end of the date), and we know enough about his values and morality to think he probably appreciates yours.  I am interested to see how your families and your religions will play into this as we progress - I'm sure the producers had a field day with that!  
With love,
E
Source
Dear Leslie H.,
     I don't really know what to say to you.  To be honest, I've been wondering how you made it this far for a while.  My biggest word of advice is to please - for the love - stop saying things like "Holy Moly" and "Holy Batman."  I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that is why you got sent home.  That, and the fact that you (basically) kept referring to yourself as a prostitute and tried on some of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen (that pink one? Barf!).  I will give it to you that this date was awkward in concept.  I love shopping as much (or more) than the next girl, but I HATE shopping with Jeff.  Sean really should have just given you the credit card and met you at dinner. Anyway, I'm sorry about your fate.  Perhaps if you trade in that white lace thing you wore a few episodes ago for the new Badgley Mishka dress that you got to take home, you'll have better luck from here on out.  
With love,
E
Source

*Bonus*
Dear Neil Lane, 
     We all know who you are already, your cameo really was unnecessary this early in the season.  And, for the record, I would NEVER have put such a big gawdy necklace with a bedazzled neck-line like that.  Bad call.  
E

Dear Amanda,
     Besides the fact that your rose ceremony get-up was part goth - part flapper (and you could really stand to run a brush through that mane once in a while), I was still surprised to see you go.  You are one strange cat, but it is a pretty low blow to send the one girl who had to go to the hospital home.  Sorry about that.  (Also, how is Daniella still on this show?)
With love,
E
Dear Robyn,
     I loved your dress at the rose ceremony.  I HATED your pick-up line... Like, I threw up a little in my mouth.  
With love,
E

Dear Lesley M.,
     From one I-can't-put-on-make-up-to-save-my-life girl to another, I really think you should stick with the natural look.
With love,
E

Dear Tierra,
     Clearly you were tricked into going on this show.  You don't like drama, you don't like other women, and you didn't know that "it would be this hard."  News Flash: every.single.season is like this.  Also, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't wear those mini-shorts anymore, especially if the camera guys keep going at you from that highly unflattering angle like they did in the shots on your on the white bench at the fireplace.  And, with that, I'm not going to say much else because, frankly, I'm very very afraid of you.
With love,
E
*Bonus*
Dear Makers of Ankle Boots,
Why?
E
Source

Haha, maybe I'll make this a weekly thing.  See you tomorrow for some confessions.

12 comments:

  1. I don't watch the show, yet I read every word you write about it. Very entertaining. Oh, and Selma won't kiss the guy? I'm pretty sure if you get as close as they are in that photo, you might as well kiss. Seriously. Look where his left hand is!

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  2. haha, I don't watch the show either, but did enjoy this little diddy. They should hire you to do post-episode write-ups!! :)

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  3. I agree with you on all of the comments in your letters, but I especially agree with you on Lesley M's make-up at the rose ceremony! I kept saying she looked like a clown. WAY too much make-up!

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  4. Dear E, I love you more than life itself for writing this. You have made my day and I agree with every word. Except that I don't think Sean should feel bad at all about sending Amanda home. But I have to seriously question him as a person for not seeing through Tierra's facade. Also...do you read Sean's sister's blog/Twitter? Highly entertaining!

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  5. yea!!!! the old E is back!!! this is hysterical!!!! I totally agree with every word!! especially the ankle boots??? they are just awful! the skinniest little girl cannot pull those things off!!

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  6. I absolutely ADORE these posts and whole heartily agree with all your wonderful insight! However, apparently I am the slacker Bachelor fan because I cannot watch the entire thing Monday night. I have been anxiously avoiding this post all day because I did not want to read any spoilers. Thankfully, I was able to get the baby to bed and soaked up the rest of the train wreckage on my trusty DVR.

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  7. i LOVE LOVE LOVE this. :] I'm pretty sure they will play up the tierra drama all season like they did with Courtney on Ben's season, but I really hope that he doesn't end up picking her. I didn't even know Daniela's name...clearly she needs to go. Ashlee and Lesley are my fav (but her make-up was a definitely disaster this week)!

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  8. Hilarious!! Your Bachelor posts are my favs! I totally agree with all you said.
    -Selma was totally giving him bedroom eyes the WHOLE time...I felt awkward about it even.
    -Lesley M. is the exact reason I NEVER wear lipstick...clown status.
    -And seriously, HOW is Daniella still there? And Jackie? I've never even seen them talk?!

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  9. Hilarious!! So glad Lesley is gone too!

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  10. Better than a Live Blog! I'd be nervous if I were you though, SOMEONE may come after you.

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  11. LOVE this! So funny and so true!
    Carley

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  12. Oh man, I'm catching up with your blog after a long time and I am laughing SO hard!!!!!! I am loving this season of Bach and especially loving your commentaries. Hilarious.

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Your comments are what makes this thing fun! I LOVE to hear from you and do my best to respond to everyone! THANK YOU!


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