[with respectful apologies to Jana Mathews at The Meanest Mom]
Long after the final bell, when everyone has cleared the hallways, I crawl under my desk and plot evil ways to destroy my students. I change all of my due-dates to one week earlier and re-write tests to ENSURE that NOTHING we have actually studied is on them.
I do this because I want to ruin their futures and make myself look better by having a class full of failures.
While I'm at it, I usually break into their lockers and steal all of their notebooks and writing utensils. I also violently shred the projects they have been working on for weeks and pour soda deep into their backpacks until their textbooks are illegible.
When I have time, I use a sledge hammer to detonate their computer hard drives and randomly delete all their "Very Important Documents." And when I'm super bored after my work day ends, I stay up all night doodling with a red pen on their homework and callling parents to BEG them to disconnect their Play Station or cell phone. If all that still doesn't CRUSH their hopes and dreams, I wait until the next morning when I see them in class and then hypnotize them all so they fall fast asleep and miss all my instruction.
I am a fun stealer and a torturer of all young people.
Or so my students believe.
It's exam week here... The most wonderful time of the year!!